Beer jokes (11 to 20)
|Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 11 to 20.|
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Carl was talking to a girl inCarl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"
The girl replied, "Certainly."
Carl then asked, "What would you like?"
The girl said, "Champagne."
Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"
The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
Recently scientists revealed tRecently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
Guess the Game Name
Lets face it, there are a lotLets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the brightest light bulb.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Not playing with all 52 cards.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few feathers short of a full pillow.
Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.
A few links short in a chain.
A door without a handle.
A few bits short of a byte.
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level
He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'
Seven New York City bartendersSeven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
1. I can't reach my license u...1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
NOTICE OF RECIPROCAL COLONIZATION – Yet another response
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to the Commonwealth of Nations, including, but not limited to, Canada (which is already a state, excluding Québec), Australia, New Zealand, Bermuda, Jamaica, etc., and any other nation lacking the inspiration to create for themselves a national flag not resembling the Union Jack:
In light of the fact that although America stands firmly on her own two feet, this nation has been formed with ideas derived from some of the children of the best free thinkers in 17th century Great Britain, and has been rooted in such. Therefore, the citizens of the United States of America hereby impose the following decree as our birth rite:
1. Like our 'mother' has previously done, the citizens of the United States of America now impose unilateral colonization upon the above fore-mentioned 'nations,' which are for this day forward to be deemed and to which referred, 'Colonies of the United States of America.'
2. As 'mum' taught us best, none of the Colonies shall have any representation in our globally expansive government, however, fear not as they will be taxed thrice as heavily as any of the members of the Original Fifty States, and this shall be deemed a privilege.
3. All currency in ridiculous color-coded Monopoly board game pastels shall be destroyed and replaced with the correct currency colors of green, black, and white. Failure to forfeit such will be treated as both servile insurrection and submission of testimony on one’s behalf to illiteracy and need for color to sort one’s purse.
4. The President of the both the United States of America and her Colonies shall be determined by the residents of the state of Florida consisting of mostly senior citizens, expatriated Canadians, Cuban refugees, and in the future – the now disbanded British Royalty. This will be deemed a fair representation for all.
5. English will be removed as the official language of the former UK and the former Commonwealth of Nations as well as the like for English and French in Canada. The Colonies will conform to the United States’ policy of no official language as the English language is to be enriched with the words of the world, not purified of them.
6. Police will no longer be called Bobbies in the UK. The appellation of 'toque' for a cap or hat will be forbidden in Canada. Words spelled like 'centre' will not be removed, but restricted. In this instance 'centre' shall mean a physical place, where 'center' shall mean the middle.
7. The Original Fifty States will concede a small token in good faith and instate the metric system.
8. The Oxford English Dictionary shall be renamed the Harvard-M.I.T. Dictionary of the Global English Language.
9. Excluding the incontrovertibly inevitable linguistic derelicts of any society, all members of the Colonies shall be required to keep a vocabulary on par in volume with that of the current average American of the day, and not simply Standard Received English as is spoken by many Geordies, Scots, Welsh, Nova Scotians, and Southern States Americans.
10. Obsolescent pronunciations such as 'roit' for right, 'ad-ver-tiss-mint' for advertisement, which by the way will pick-up a ‘z’ to replace the ‘s’ in the former American spelling, shall be banned.
11. Any citizen of America or her Colonies caught speaking the letter ‘z’ as ‘zed’ shall be latched into the town center’s stocks, head and hands, for the townspeople to mock.
12. The citizens of America’s Colonies, with the exception of Canada, shall be required to actually read the spelling of ‘aluminum’ as used in the Original Fifty States, to conceptualize how it is not said with ‘-inium’ as the ending pronunciation. These individuals will be screened as per items number three (3) of this list.
13. The existence of ‘types’ of English shall be abolished. All English, e.g. U.S. English, U.K. English, Canadian English, etc., shall be called English, with the exception of Scots English, which will now be called Greek.
14. The second level of all buses, a.k.a. lorries, coaches, etc., will be removed.
15. Education will commence to eradicate the jousting gene from the citizens in Colonies where the medieval idea of driving on the left still exists, including the U.S. Virgin Islands.
16. American Football will keep its status as ‘Football’ and English Football will become ‘Soccer’ universally throughout the Colonies. This means France will have to change to 'Le Soccer' or 'Le Soc.'
17. There will be no more warm beer, and the citizens of the Colonies will no longer be subjected to watered-down macro beers such as Budweiser and Miller. Real American beer will be had by all.
18. Everyone in the former British Isles shall be required to see an orthodontist on a regular basis.
19. Time shall be referred to as the following: WDC + 05:00 in London.
20. The new states of England, Scotland, Wales, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland & Labrador, Price Edward Island, New Brunswick, Nunavut, Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand, Antigua, Barbados, Bahamas, Belize, Salomon Islands, St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Africa, Trinidad & Tobago, and Western Samoa shall each receive a star on the flag to represent their statehood. In addition, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory will be renamed the state of Arctic and the state of Yukon, respectively - each receiving a star to represent their statehood as well. Finally, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam shall all be granted statehood and issued a star on the flag. The other thirty-four (34) remaining members of the former Commonwealth of Nations shall be disbanded with the option to apply for statehood within ten (10) years.
21. Hong Kong will be returned to Colony status - we do not bow to China.
22. As of November 21, 2000, 57% of Americans from the Original Fifty States were proficient in more than one (1) language, representing 157,691,225 people speaking two (2) or more languages and over 90,000,000 who speak a language other than English at home. All Colonies will be required to maintain that 50% of their territorial population can speak more than one (1) language, with the exception of Quebec, where, due to the prevalence of French, 80% of the inhabitants shall be required to be bilingual or better.
23. The Colonies will now be permitted to purchase the good American cars and will no longer be restricted to the bottom of the line models, as is prominent in Europe.
24. Outside the Original Fifty States and the former Canada, the numbering system shall be reorganized as such: 000 = thousand; 000,000 = million; 000,000,000 = billion; 000,000,000,000 = trillion; 000,000,000,000,000 = quadrillion, and so forth.
25. Measuring your weight in stones will only be permitted when inebriated.