Shortage Of Parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Question And Answer Blond Jokes
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.
One day, while a blonde was ou
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Peanut butter puns
I don't think any would stick. I shouldn't be spreading such bad puns and drive everyone nuts. Any one butter than me?
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I`m not teling you. You might spread it!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Because she`s nuts!
How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? They spread for the bread.
I told my girlfriend I was breaking up with her because she had peanut butter legs. She asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Your legs are nice and smooth and easy to spread like peanut butter."
What`s the feepng you get after popshing a peanut? Post nut clarity.
Why are peanuts afraid of going out? They`re afraid of getting a-salted.
When can peanuts laugh? When you crack them up!
What kind of sandwiches do sharks eat? Peanut butter and Jellyfish
Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? The Shell station!
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut!
What did applesauce say to peanut butter? You`re Nutty!
Photo by Corleto Peanut butter on Unsplash
Brunette standing along side a busy road
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure."
So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88..."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88..."
BAM! She was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
Qs and As
Q:
Qs and AsQ: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breast don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
An old blind cowboy wanders in
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times...’
Rescued on a Desert Island
A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years
when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.
“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”
Alternative ending:
Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got Internet?
Many similar jokes to this one online, with alternative punchline and a bit altered text, oldest one found on http://www.mnscuba.com , Scuba Jokes Forum page, posted by Punky Offline on February 25th 2003
A blonde decided to commit sui
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."