Monday jokes - jokes about monday (1 to 10)

Monday jokes - jokes about monday (1 to 10) Jokes about monday. These are the jokes listed 1 to 10.
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Things Not To Say During Childbirth

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

Oliver's Birth


-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there

#joke #monday
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Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

diamond engagement rings

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

#joke #friday #monday
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After 20 years of marriage a h

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

Quitting Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o

Quit Now

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

#joke #friday #monday
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Find the right combination

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

This guy walks into the local

This guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.
"What's with the long face Joe?" asked the guy.
Joe responds, "My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!"
"Well," said the friend, "That's not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely."
#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

What would be different if

What would be different if men really ruled the world
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get ‘em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
#joke #monday #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

If Men Truly Ran The World.

If Men Truly Ran The World...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
13. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
14. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
15. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
16. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
17. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
18. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
19. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
20. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
21. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
22. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
23. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
24. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
#joke #monday #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (17)

Billy Bob started a new constr

Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "I told you I was sick."
#joke #monday
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (19)

An older, white haired man wal...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for hisgirlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring andshowed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and broughtanother ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The younglady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, bycheck. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write itnow and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pickthe ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's nomoney in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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Rating: 8.9/10 (45)

I Need You Here

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.
Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.
Boss - What time will you get here?
Me - Monday.

#joke #short #monday
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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