Thief In the Night
Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!
Seriously, how low can you go?
Off To Work
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8.30!"
He replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"
One salesgirl in a candy store
One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle.The store owner asked for her secret.
"It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."
Gym Record for Consecutive Days
I didn't make it to the gym today...
That makes 1,523 days in a row I didn't go!
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B+C
Cooking Kale
Pro tip: if you add coconut oil to your kale...
It makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
Product Return
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like everyone else!
The CEO OF IKEA
The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
A police officer stops a blond
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Silence In the Courtroom
Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!
Mistaken Identity
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...
Mistaken for patience!