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Short jokes - funny one liners (81 to 120)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 81 to 120. |
They Laughed, I Laughed
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Good Morning, Bill
You know you're having a bad day when...
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
Ever See A Catfish
Tom: Did you ever see a catfish?
Joe: Sure!
Tom: How did it hold the rod?
Chaplain of the U.S. Senate
Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."
I'm Still Standing!
With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"
That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.
Evil Lessons
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...
I don’t know how much she charges.
Contortionist Who Passed Away
Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.
DNA Test Results
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Donate A Kidney
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, it's a good thing...
But if you donate five kidneys, it's a bad thing and they call the police.
Police Officer in Bed
What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
Merry Christmas! Jokes To Lighten Up Christmas Mood
Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas lights.
Frank Lowe @GayAtHomeDad
What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.
What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.
What song does Beyonce like to perform during the holidays?
All the Jingle Ladies.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas cookies!
Merry Christmas! Lot more Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
What Is the NSA?
What is the NSA?
A government organization that actually listens to you.
Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes
1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.
2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?
3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.
4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.
5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.
6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.
7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.
8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.
9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.
10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.
11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.
Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.
13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.
14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.
15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.
16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.
17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.
18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.
19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.
20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.
21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.
23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.
24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.
25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.
26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.
27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.
28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.
29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.
30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.
31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.
32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.
33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.
34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.
35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.
36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.
37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.
38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.
39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.
40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.
41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.
42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.
43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.
44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.
45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.
46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.
47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?
48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.
49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.
50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.
51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.
52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.
53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.
54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.
55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.
56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.
57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.
59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.
60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.
61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.
62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!
63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.
64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.
65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.
66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.
67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.
68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.
69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.
70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.
71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.
72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.
73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.
74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.
75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."
76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Who Needs A Parachute
You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
A Good Bottle of Wine
Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour?
Twenty minutes?
107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023
Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through
If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
- What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
- What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
- That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
- I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
- What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
- What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
- What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
- All I want for Christmas is ewe.
- I'm pine-ing for you.
- Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
- Your presents are requested.
- Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
- What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
- I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
- This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
- I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
- A round of Santa-plause, please.
- Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
- Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
- Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
- Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
- Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
- These decorations are tree-mendous.
- I only have ice for you.
- It is ice to meet you.
- Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
- How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
- Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
- How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
- What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
- Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
- Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
- Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
- Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
- What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
- It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
- If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
- That look soots you.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
- It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
- The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
- How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
- What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
- You sleigh me.
- I’ll never fir-get.
- In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
- You’re the best person I snow.
- It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
- I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
- Rebel without a Claus.
- You’re my soul Santa.
- What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
- What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
- What do you call an old snowman? Water.
- Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
- What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
- Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
- Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
- What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
- What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
- When I think about you, I touch my elf.
- He is a fungi to be with.
- Eat, drink, and be tacky.
- I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
- You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
- What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
- Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
- How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
- Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
- Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
- What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
- Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
- Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
- How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
- What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Eat, drink, and be meowy.
- Have a meowy Christmas.
- Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
- May your days be meowy and bright.
- All I want for Xmas is mew.
- Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
- Catty Canes.
- The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
- Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
- I love hanging with you this season.
- Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
- Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
- Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
- I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
- Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
- This year my tree is #ballin.
- Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
- Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
- Looking at you is like reading poetree.
- Birch, please.
- I love the festive season more than you think.
- Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
- I’m having fun fir sure.
- I love you a whole watt.
- What a de-light you are to be around.
- Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
The New Engagement Ring
A very exited mother asked her daughter, "Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?"
Her daughter replied, "Better than that, four of them recognized it!"
Thank You, Student Loans
Thank you, student loan, for helping me through college...
I don't think I can ever repay you.
You Can't Cut Down A Talking Tree
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Monster Under My Bed
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."
62 corny jokes to get you through Monday
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
- You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
- Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
- Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
- If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
- How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
- You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
- Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
- I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
- What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
- Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
- What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
- What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
- What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
- What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
- What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
- What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
- Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
- Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
- Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
- Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
- Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
- It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
- Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
- I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
- Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
- My job is secure. No one else needs it.
- It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
- What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
- Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
- What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
- My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
- I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
- Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
- Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
- Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
- I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
- I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
- What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
- What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
- Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
- Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
- When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
- The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
- The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
- Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
- Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
- Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
- What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
- Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
- I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
- The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
- Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
- Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
- I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
Pain Relief
Every time I get a headache I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children...
Just like the bottle says.
Cowabunga Jake
I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse...
... I named them Jake from Steak Farm.
Caught Stealing Groceries
I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.
The most popular 10 Christmas cracker jokes for 2023 - voted
Gold asked British people to post their favorite jokes online. A group of judges picked the best ones, and then 2,000 people voted anonymously. The joke that got the most votes made fun of a recent event where thousands of priceless artefacts were stolen from the famous British Museum in London.
1.Did you hear about the Christmas cake on display in the British Museum?It was Stollen
2.Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?
He can't stop talking about his X
3.Why isn't Barbie having turkey for Christmas dinner this year?
Chic-Ken is enough
4.Why aren't any schools allowed to put on a nativity this year?
They couldn't find a stable building
Check out more Jokes on Christmas Jokes
5.What impact will the 20mph speed limit in Wales have on the charts this year?
Chris Rea will be driving home for Easter
6.What happened to Mark Zuckerberg's novelty jumper when he had a cage fight with Elon Musk?
He was left with nothing but Threads
7.What's the difference between The Polar Express and HS2?
One's a fantasy about a train and the other's a film with Tom Hanks
8.What did Robert Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas?
Atomic Kenergy
9.Why are the train drivers on the naughty list this year?
Because they've already had three strikes!
10.How does Margot Robbie decorate her Nativity scene?
With 3 wise Ken
Easy Rider
Car Dealer: "This car had just one careful owner."
Buyer: "But look at it, it's a wreck!"
Car dealer: "Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren't quite as careful."
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
Driving Me Out of my Mind
Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."
Countdown to Friday: 7 Fresh Jokes to Lighten Your Week
A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach.
"You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband.
"But it will help me see the numbers."
A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la...
just like that for an hour,
after he finishes, the bartender asks him:
what the heck did you play us now?
The pianist said:
"long time no si"
What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
Really Good or Really Bad Future
3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!
Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week
Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!
When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."
Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'
Appointment With My Cardiologist
I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.
Healthy Advice
"Why does Grandma spray Windex all over her Medicare co-pay invoices?"
"She said she wants a clean bill of health."
How Do I Look?
My favorite animal is my dog, because every time I ask him, "How do I look?"...
He always answers me by saying, "Wow! Wow!"
Christmas in October
On social media I posted, “If anyone mentions Christmas before Thanksgiving, I'm going to delete them!”
The next day, I didn’t have any friends.