A Quiet Alarm
Johnny's mother sees the young boy tiptoeing down the hall with a bucket of water.
She asks, "Johnny, why are you tiptoeing around with a bucket of water?"
Johnny answers, "Dad asked me to quietly wake him at five."
Happy International jokes day!
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
“The two largest furniture stores in my hometown are owned by a pretty single lady and a good looking bachelor. They started dating lately. Their customers are hoping for the best. So fa, so good!”
Can You Hear Him?
On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"
Remove 5 letters from this seq...
Florist's favorite vegetable
“What is a florist's favorite vegetable? A cauliflower!”
I tried to type on my phone, “I’m a functional adult.”
My phone changed it to “fictional adult.”
I left it as is, as I feel that’s more accurate.
Full garbage cans are a terrorFull garbage cans are a terrorist threat, aka Bin Laden.
Dad, You Are My Hero
Son: Dad, You are my hero.
Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?
Dad: Well, yes, of course.
Son: That's great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card.