A man approached a local perso
A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting."What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
Farmer Joe decided his injurie
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Insurance Assurance
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...
They assured him he would be covered.
The latest poll taken by the o
The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "
What a winning combination?
The Bad Knife Thrower
Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!
A funeral procession made its
A funeral procession made its way down the road. Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net, and some bait.A passer-by remarked: "He must've been a very keen fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked another "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife."
Special Locket
Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive?”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The sheriff of the small town
The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
Sign Says Yield
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “The sign says to yield, not give up!”
“What do you call a s
“What do you call a survey you fill out after staying in a motel? Innput.”
A motorist, driving by a Texas
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth."Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
Recalled Chrstimas Toys
Recalled Christmas Toys
- Broken Bag-O-Glass
- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
- Switchblade Barney
- Pork-n-Beany Babies
- Make your own moonshine kit
- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
I Don't Have Time
My 5 year old daughter drew a nice picture of a princess and beautiful flowers and sunshine...
Then she brought the picture to her daddy and said, "Daddy, this is a picture of you and me... but I don't have time to draw you."
Filling Up
ME: "I will take $50 on pump one please..."
BARTENDER: "Sir, please get your mouth off the keg!"
The Old Man
An old man went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.
“You’re in excellent shape for a 75-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger.”
“Who asked you to make me younger?” the man replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”
An old man, a boy, and a donke
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were travelling. The boy rode the donkey while the man walked.In the first town they went to, the people all said; "How hard for that old man who has to walk!"
The two travelers heard this and decided that the boy should walk and the old man should ride.
In the next town, people whispered, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk!"
So the pair decided that they should both ride.
In the third town, people all muttered about how cruel it was to make the donkey work so hard.
So the boy and the old man decided to carry the donkey.
On the way to the next town, they had to go across a bridge. As they walked across it, they slipped and the donkey fell in to the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually end up losing your ass.
I called the RSPCA today and s
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
The Magician and Little Johnny
Mr. Magic: I can turn this handkerchief into a flower.
Little Johnny: That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.
Cursed Diamond
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Bexfield."
Please Show The I.D.
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.