Best New Jokes

The best jokes in the last 10 days. Top 20 jokes rated by site visitors.
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (26422)

Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Mc Joker - Funny jokes creator, hates monday
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A young woman had severe PMS...

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that."
The woman went to see the gynecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!"
He then proceeded to examine her.
"Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Aren't you afraid of me?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Windows frozen, won't open.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Find the missing text [B*****A]

Background picture associated with the solution.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Clothing a midget is hard. Tha

Clothing a midget is hard. That's why they launched the Human Jean-Gnome project.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The goal of the game is to color all the 25 squares. Clicking will invert clors of all the sqauers within the shape of pattern.
The game is designed for all ages and stimulate children's creativity and reasoning.

I am trying to make friends ou...

I am trying to make friends outside ofFacebook while applying the same principles.
therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten,how I feel at the moment, what I have donethe night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and ofme gardening, taking things apart in the garage, wateringthe lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving aroundtown, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up"and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have fourpeople following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

'Cash, check or charge?' I a...

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A police officer in a small to...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Horse for sale

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Signs of the times

In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'

On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A woman said to her friend...

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

The Evangelizing Barber

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”A man came in as he opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.” The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you read to meet your Maker?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

How does a male cat sense when

How does a male cat sense when a female is in heat? All the feral moans.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Adam's ribs...

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

You will spend eternity here

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

An absent-minded husband thoug...

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Forever Friends

On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living.
As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.

#joke #newyear
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

What do dogs do afte...

“What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
They get their masters.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Morty and Saul, are out one af...

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saultoward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

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