Best New Jokes

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

Amy, a blonde city girl, marri...

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

I Have Lost My Father

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

A blonde walks into a doctor...

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."

You Have A Disease

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

Married or Divorced

In my Sunday school class the focus was marriage or divorce, "The rapidly increasing divorce rate," remarked one member of the group, "indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free."
"Yes," replied the prosaic friend, "but the continued marriage rate suggests that America is still the home of the brave."

Two rednecks are walking down

Two rednecks are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Umm... five?"

Locked Out

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution.
"Is there another door I could use?"

A pretty young college student

A pretty young college student visited her professor's office after class. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt down before him.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said. Leaning closer, she whispered seductively, "I mean, I would do anything."
He looked down at her and said, "You'll do anything?"
"Anything," she replied again.
His voice softened. "Anything," he repeated.
She smiled and again said, "Anything."
His voice turned to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Two small boys met during thei

Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.

The Preacher explains that he...

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims:
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher willstay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...... "Screw the Preacher."

Why So Late

When her husband returns home at two in the morning, the wife confronts him.
"I told you two beers and home by ten o’clock!"
The man replies, "I'm sorry honey, I must have gotten the two numbers mixed up."

A truck driver was driving alo

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign thatread, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge isright ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on hiships, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"
"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Quarantine

Due to the quarantine...
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

Trouble With Eczema

Sam: I’m having a lot of trouble with eczema, teacher.
Teacher: Heavens, where do you have it?
Sam: I don’t have it, I just can’t spell it.

Three prisoners are captured i

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."

A man had a ticket for the the

A man had a ticket for the theater butwhen he was seated by the usher,he found that he was just too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery playand I have to watch a mystery close up.Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a great tip."
The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row andthe man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill.
The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him,then leans over and whispers . . . "The butler did it."

Doctor Visit

A man visits his doctor and complains that he feels like he has 5 legs.
The doctor asks him how do his pants fit?
The man replies, "Like a glove!"

I Need You Here

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.
Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.
Boss - What time will you get here?
Me - Monday.

“He built his entire

“He built his entire itch-cream business from scratch.”