Best New Jokes
|The best jokes in the last two weeks. Top 20 jokes rated by site visitors.|
A woman was sure that her husb...A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
A woman calls her boss one mor...A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
At a local coffee bar, a young...At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"
Find number abc
God is WatchingChildren were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
2 Men in 1 Night
My sister was with two men in one night.
She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine? Two dinners!
Hubby: You always carry my pho...Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
The light turned yellow, just...The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Roads: Specifications & bureaucracies live on forever!
The US standard railroad gauge (space between the rails) is 4 feet 8½ inches. z
That is a very odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that were used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So why did the wagons have that particular spacing? If they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (including England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions and they have been in use ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? The ruts, which everyone had to match for fear of breaking their wagon wheels, were first formed by chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the manner of wheel spacing.
The US standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8½ inches was derived from the original specifications for the Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live on forever!
So, the next time you are handed a specification and you wonder what bureaucratic horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two horses.
There we have the answer to the original question but now for a new twist to the story.
When we see the space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid fuel boosters that are made by Thiokol at their plant in Utah.
The engineers who designed the boosters would have preferred to make them larger in diameter but they had to be shipped by rail from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory had to pass through several tunnels in the mountains that are, you guessed it, just slightly wider than the railroad track which is about two horse butts wide.
Incredibly, a major design feature of what is currently the world's most advanced and technologically sophisticated transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
Don't you just love engineering?
An old man, a boy and a donkeyAn old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking andthe boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They thendecided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**
Breaking Into A House
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Biblical Theme SongsNoah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
A woman comes home and finds hA woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"
The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."
An Offering From the Bottom of My….A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?""No," her mother replied."Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl."Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked."Yes," the little girl replied."How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked."I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
“Why couldn't the pi
“Why couldn't the pig see his house? He had a sty in his eye.”
Calling home, the traveling va...Calling home, the traveling vacuum cleaner salesman complained to his wife that he'd gotten two orders that day.
"But darling," she declared, "that's wonderful!"
"Not so wonderful," he glumly corrected. "The first was 'Get out' and the second was 'Stay out.'"
Silly Collection 04What do golfers use in China?
What kind of hair do oceans have?
Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!
In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions, in the Park?
What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
Inside a Comedians Mind
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says 'I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you've ever had.'
The comedian looks at her and says, 'Did you see the first show or the second show?'
In the vinyl analysi...
“In the vinyl analysis, plastic waste in the ocean poses a serious threat to marine life.”