Wallet packed with money
"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church.""Did you give it back?"
"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."
The Hard Worker
Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"
A Deer On the Way
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
What a winning combination?
Your Resume Says
Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
This guy was watching TV as hi
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Tattoo Your Name
Husband: "I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?"
Wife: "How about on your will?"
They Were Everywhere
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
In Strict Confidence
"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"
"No, I didn't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."
The patient was lying in bed,
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum."I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
Hide & Seek Crisis
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek...
Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves?
Brenda and Steve took their si
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."
Having been married ten years
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.
A teenage boy and his grandfat
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
Maturing Puppy Love
Three years after the honeymoon it appears their puppy love had matured.
"You don't love me any more," she sobbed. "You use to be so nice to me, and now you are always barking and growling."
"What do you expect," he demanded. "You've always got me in the doghouse."
The Exam Questions
Simon: How were the exam questions?
Peter: Easy.
Simon: Then why do you look so unhappy?
Peter: The questions didn’t give me any trouble—just the answers.
The Horseman
Son: "Gee pop, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up on the horse's neck!"
Dad: "That's easy... I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse."