Best New Jokes

The best jokes in the last two weeks. Top 20 jokes rated by site visitors.
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (113885)

 A Sudden Change Of Mind


My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Better than money

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Fly spray

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Found on Fly spray funny joke - The Spoof , published on Tuesday, 16 December 2008 by Rusty

Photo by Sian Cooper on Unsplash

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Death at Jerusalem

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B+C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 47, 48, 49, 85, 91, 94) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A*B+C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

An elderly couple were watchin

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

 You Should Learn To Be More Polite


One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Tim Conway's Elephant Story

 

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

A salesman was testifying in h

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)


There were three g


There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talkingabout the amount of control they have over their wives, while thethird guy remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well,what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wifecame to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Secret Formula

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Meditation

I recently took up meditation

It's certainly better than sitting around doing nothing.

Posted by TooCoolToSocialize

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Monkey has grown hair

An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs. she got worried and asked her mummy about the hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

Next morning at breakfast she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Wife: "Look here Mike. See how

Wife: "Look here Mike. See how Mary's husband takes her to movies and dinner every week end. Why can't you do that?"
Mike: "Sure dear, anything you say. Just make sure that Mary is free on the next week end."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Furniture store

A furniture store keeps calling me

All I wanted was one night stand

Photo by Di_An_h on Unsplash

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a w

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

How Did the Hackers Escape

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"
"No idea, they just ransomware!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Plane lunch choices

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

By reddit user OK_Compooper, posted on Oct. 08. 2019.

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

TRADE WAR OVER -TRUMP'S BIGGEST DEAL SINCE TAKING THE PRESIDENCY

 

Trump ends US-China trade war; swaps Hong Kong for California in an unprecedented deal
Washington DC—After months of growing trade Tensions between the US and China leading to an impending global recession, along with mounting strife in China’s Hong Kong province prompting dissidents to wave American flags, US President Donald Trump has negotiated quite possibly the biggest deal of his life.
The US will trade the entire state of California for Hong Kong in a flat exchange.
“Basically everyone in California wants to be Commies and Hong Kong wants to be American, so we did what we call a win-win-win and traded the two in a tremendous deal,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the unprecedented deal.
Markets responded with a complete turnaround from recent declines and posted record numbers.
Californians and Hong Kongers were dancing in their respective streets.
Californians are happy about the 1-child-only policy and being run by the Communist Party finally!
—And Hong Kong is happy about being part of the free world once again.
'THE ART OF THE DEAL' AT ITS' FINEST

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Split in Two

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Shoe-recycling shop

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.

It was sole-destroying

Author: Alex Horne, Joke was second on August 2013 on Fringe’s best one-liner prize

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Jokes Archive

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