Christmas PresentIt was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
My Young Daughter
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth," I said, introducing my kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" he asked.
"Because she's only three," I answered.
21st Century Newspaper
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
New Dog Food
We put our dog on a vegan diet, and she's doing really well...
She's eaten two so far.
My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."
Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.
Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It’s not urgent. You can come on foot.
Thanks for Your Help, Judge
The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."
Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."
Teacher: "I have went. That's wrong isn't it?"
Little Johnny: "Yes ma'am."
Teacher: "Why is it wrong?"
Little Johnny: "Because you ain't went yet."
Why Didn't Cain Please God?Q: Why didn't Cain please God?A: Because he just wasn't Able.
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I don't eat, I don't pay!"
An HMO Manager at the Pearly GatesTwo doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
Kids' Bible JokesQ. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right. Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?A. When Noah took Ham into the ark. Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?A. Quackers. Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? A: By his net income.
Always the Red Crayon
Why did the nurse always choose the red crayon?
Because she always has to draw blood.
Eating a quantity of fruit eveEating a quantity of fruit every day is of pear-amount importance.
I hallucinated that I threw Mr. Poitier off a bridge. I should never have dropped a Sid.
For delaying a shipment of pudFor delaying a shipment of pudding, I was thrown into a Siberian prison, aka the goo lag!
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."