Best New Jokes

The best jokes in the last two weeks. Top 20 jokes rated by site visitors.
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (113889)

Observing the baby

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (9)

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
For this year I'm requesting a BIG bank account and a SMALL body.
P.S. Please don't mix them up like you did last year.

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A farmer wanted to have his he

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."
"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

In light of the rising frequen

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Calculate the number 613

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 613 using numbers [2, 8, 9, 4, 39, 538] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Piano tuner

A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools.
"I'm the piano tuner ma'am" he announced.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but the neighbors did!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

New Man in Prison Cell

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"Ah well," the old man replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

An 8-year-old girl asks her fa

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy,what is sex?" The father is somewhatsurprised that she would ask such aquestion. But, he reckons if she's oldenough to ask the question, then surelyshe's old enough for a straight answer.So, the father proceeds to tell his youngdaughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girlappears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way,dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tellyou that dinner would be ready in just acouple of secs."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

“I spent five dollars

“I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone. I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Chronic Evil

Hebert was being examined by the family doctor who, after carefully examining said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness."
"Shh!" cautioned Hebert. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly as the wife is sitting in the next room."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Best Friends

What kind of alien makes the best of friends?
The one that is down to Earth.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

A woman went to a lawyer to di

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Tried to Resist

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A desserter.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Teacher: How can we get some c

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

What Do You Do?

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

A couple had not been married

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am just here to get something to eat."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

13 Thanksgiving Jokes and Quotes

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet

“Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey.”

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins!

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.

Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks!

“If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault

#joke #halloween #christmas #thanksgiving #short #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Can opener

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener.

Posted by Melusedek on Reddit on Nov 14. 2013

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Sisyphus

“My music history professor said that Sisyphus invented rock and roll.”

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

Two racetracks

“I owned two racetracks but I rented them to others. I was the lessor of two ovals.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.