Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 March 2019

“My favorite garden s

“My favorite garden store is having a sale on potting soil. It is now dirt cheap.”

Feeding Birdseed

Julia's mother asked her, "Why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"
"Because," Julia answered, "that's where my canary is."

My grandfather once told m

My grandfather once told me my generation relied too much on technology, I screamed to him that his dos and unplugged his life support

 Question And Answer

An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.

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The last severe depression and banking crisis could not have been achieved by normal civil servants and politicians, it required economists involvement.

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Contagion: A strory demostrating the possible outcomes from interlinkages in the financial markets.

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Two economists sit down to play chess. They study the board for 24 hours and declare a stale-mate.

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Q: What does it take to be a good economist?
A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!

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Q: What's the difference between mathematics and economics?
A: Mathematics is incomprehensible; economics just doesn't make any sense.

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An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

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Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

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Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity cost

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The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.

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The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.

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An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen

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I don't think you can spend yourself rich. - George Humphrey

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If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw

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An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

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Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

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Economists are people who are too smart for their own good and not smart enough for anyone else's.

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Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

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An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.

I was sitting in the waiting r...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended northmont high school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach?'

The bookie slowly counted out...

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."
The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

Girls Night Out

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautif ul view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

The Husband Store – Still True

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

Little Angel?

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

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