Jokes of the day for Monday, 01 September 2014Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 01 September 2014
Police arrested two kids yeste...Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Month August 2014
“When his wife demand...
“When his wife demanded that he give up polo, he decided to chukker.”
The Post TurtleWhile suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."
All too rarely, airline attend...All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Doctor and patient...
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
Knock Knock Collection 134
Nana you business!
Neal and pray!
Nebraska girl for a date she might say yes!
Nettie as a fruitcake!
Nevada saw you look so bad, you should be bed!
Non-ConformistYou can always tell a man who is a non-conformist, because
he looks just like every other non-conformist.
Snake BiteI hope I'm not poisonous, says the first snake.
"Why?" asks the second snake.
"Because I just bit my lip."
Donald Glover: We Get ItIts kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?
Sean Patton: Tighten Your BudgetIf my penis were, say, an annual salary: \\$47,000 a year with dental. Thats pretty good. \\$47,000 -- plenty, ladies, if you just, uh, tighten up your budget. Have a tight budget. Dont just have a loose skanky ass budget.
Britney and Christina Work TogetherBritney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."
Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"
Email of the speciesThe email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Grocery bagWhat is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.