Jokes of the day for Sunday, 15 September 2019
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 15 September 2019|
An elderly man walks into a coAn elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"
Jokes About Death
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
You Must Be A Visionary
Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they're life time.
The other boy replied, "Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!"
“Everyone hated my weight puns. They all left en mass.”
I've noticed the strangest th...I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars alot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have nowife to go home to... or they do.
What do you call....
Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits in a row all hopping backwards? <p> A: A receding hare line
Who is he?
Free sexThere was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Aaron Karo: New DietI was reading about this new diet where youre not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.
Some Really Good Questions1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice?” How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Knock Knock Collection 144
Ozzie you later!
Pablo your horn!
Pammy the key, the door is locked!
Paris the thought!
Parton my French!