Old West Revenge
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''
TRADE WAR OVER -TRUMP'S BIGGEST DEAL SINCE TAKING THE PRESIDENCY
Trump ends US-China trade war; swaps Hong Kong for California in an unprecedented deal
Washington DC—After months of growing trade Tensions between the US and China leading to an impending global recession, along with mounting strife in China’s Hong Kong province prompting dissidents to wave American flags, US President Donald Trump has negotiated quite possibly the biggest deal of his life.
The US will trade the entire state of California for Hong Kong in a flat exchange.
“Basically everyone in California wants to be Commies and Hong Kong wants to be American, so we did what we call a win-win-win and traded the two in a tremendous deal,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the unprecedented deal.
Markets responded with a complete turnaround from recent declines and posted record numbers.
Californians and Hong Kongers were dancing in their respective streets.
Californians are happy about the 1-child-only policy and being run by the Communist Party finally!
—And Hong Kong is happy about being part of the free world once again.
'THE ART OF THE DEAL' AT ITS' FINEST
Faith in the future
“The mad scientist's faith in the future of autonomous cyber-canines was dogmatic.”
Redneck Letter
Redneck Letter
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though - last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
Cat Jokes 02
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A: A peeping tom!
Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!
The annulment...
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."
What a winning combination?
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
A girl was visiting her blonde...
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Hahahahahaha
The joke is:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good news...bad news...
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
Jim Gaffigan: The Book vs. the Movie
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? Theyre always so condescending. Ah, the book was much better than the movie. Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.