Jokes of the day

“Marriage is hard but ...

“Marriage is hard but divorce usually goes off without a hitch.”

Husband wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Funny jokes-Use of money

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of ...

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."

During training exercises, the ...

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.

One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"

So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.

They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."

The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."

Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."


- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShinwaNate

The latest mergers...

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see: Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine. Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild. 3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

 Question Answer 06

What lights up a football stadium?

A football match!



If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?

Cornflakes!



Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?

Because there is no atmosphere!



Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?

Webley stadium!



When fish play football, who is the captain?

The team's kipper!



Ref: I'm sending you off

Player: What for?

Ref: The rest of the match!



Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?

They tend to go cheep!



What is a goal keepers favourite snack?

Beans on post!

Business one-liners 73

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
It works better if you plug it in.

Tom Rhodes: Always the Negative Side

In America, all you ever get is the negative side of drinking: He got drunk and killed a busload of children. Come on, man. Its time someone pointed out the good in alcohol. Drinking creates conversation, right? You gotta call people the next day and apologize to em.

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Redneck quickies 6

You might be a Redneck if...
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You picked your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.

blonde swimmer

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

 Native American Hears

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.


The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.


The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."


"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.


"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?


"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!