Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 February 2017
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 25 February 2017|
A Publicist for MosesMoses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Airbnbing in a small vacationAirbnbing in a small vacation town is dangerous. You may run into some village-rent people.
Ben went on safari with his wiBen went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''
''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''
I was cleaning a hotel room whI was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys.
We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.
"Don’t bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it."
The Blessing – You may have lived this one
Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
He crashed while row...
“He crashed while rowing his boat and suffered a broken scull.”
As the crowded elevator descenAs the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"
The products which we offer are handcrafted items made of natural materials such as finest quality wool from the Sharr Mountains, silk, cotton and lace. It is all blended with natural soap....and...creativity. Here are some beautiful and unique fashion accessories.
We started doing this three years ago as a hobby. Eventually, creating different and unique materials has become our passion. I wish you pleasant shopping.
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."
You Might Be A Redneck If 73
You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Bank Robber Stealing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
God and Eve in the GardenOne day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie,>cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but
since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a
way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . .
. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . .
. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to