Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 10 December 2019

“Ratify is how a witc

“Ratify is how a witch turns a person into a rodent.”

What's Wrong Doc?

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

A helicopter was flying around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterdaywhen an electrical malfunction disabled all of theaircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot couldnot determine his position or course to steer to theairport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in thehelicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" inlarge letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to theaircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a buildingwindow. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map anddetermined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma)airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked thepilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helpeddetermine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be theMICROSOFT building because they gave me a technicallycorrect but completely useless reply.

 Knock Knock Collection 172

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sybil!
Sybil who?
Sybil Simon met a pieman...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tad!
Tad who?
Tad's all folks!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Taipei!
Taipei who?
Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tamara!
Tamara who?
Tamara the world!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

A man goes to see his bank man

A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."

Grandma's revenge

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.

In a fight between Batman and ...

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.