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The best jokes - top rated jokes
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The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1 to 10.
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A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling headfirst through the window.
"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" the jeweler demanded.
"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick." |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Naming the Twins |
| A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"
and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew." |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 10.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Fast Car ? |
This man had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a moped stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the man if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said
"oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"
Of course the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. When the light changed, the man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.
"no! it couldnt be the boy on the moped could it?" He asked to himself.
Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the moped!
Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to let the boy catch up so that he could find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said..
"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?" |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Where Did She Go?
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An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.
“How are you?†the visitor asked.
“Oh,†said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!â€
“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?â€
“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.â€
“Do you have any pain?†the visitor asked.
“No, I can’t say I do,†the elderly woman replied.
“Then what has you worried sick?†the visitor asked.
The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!â€
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc. |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Christmas Scottish Divorce |
A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her "
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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joke of the day - permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who’d get the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can’t beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!" |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with.
"I'm a nurse."
"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.
"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
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joke of the day - permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Pirate in a Bar |
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg,
a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,
"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like
to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate,
"I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard
for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off
Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "
Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
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joke of the day - permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Family Disgraces |
| A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned her...."1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; than he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name" Next day girl told Mom, "Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family" |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..." |
joke of the day - permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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