The best jokes (1 to 10)

A little old lady answered a k

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!

A woman was sure that her husb...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.

Mr. Jones is driving past the...

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

But officer...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Lady on the Bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

Beware of dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Husband Worried Wife's Temper

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.
Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Help from Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

Why English Is Tough

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

A 6th Grade Teacher Asks a Question

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”