Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 April 2024

Spelling Lesson

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

No-Excuse Sunday

* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." * There will be a section with lounge chairs for those who feel our pews are too hard.* We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."* Blankets will be provided for those who think, "The church is too hot."* Fans will be provided for those who think, "The church is too cold."* Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.* One section will have trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.* The sanctuary will be decorated with both poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.-

Stay out of the dorms...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Imagine that

Can u believe what people do in the church these days?

I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.

I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

Toaster

“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.”

I'm Working At the Moment

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

Celtic Mortality

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

When world was created

VP candidate Sarah claims to know that the world was created 6,000 years ago—but most Palin-ontologists would disagree.

A very large, old building was...

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, "Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

April Fool's Day - Toilet Surprise

Print out a life-size face (this can be anyone-someone in your family, a monster, a celebrity, your victim, or even yourself). Attach it to the underside of the toilet seat facing up. Now close the lid to the toilet. When your victim lifts the lid, they will get a scare!

Senior Year

You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as "my senior year."

Crazy people don't know they are crazy

Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know i'm crazy therefore i'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy.

How Do You Like Your Steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

The overweight paint...

“The overweight painter could not lose weight despite years of exposure to thinners.”