“How did the policema
“How did the policeman catch the grave robber? He crypt up on him.”
The Flock Of Sheep
A cowboy was leading a flock of sheep down Main Street when he was ordered to stop by the town policeman.
“What’s wrong?” the cowboy asked. “I was just heading my ewes into a side street.”
“That’s the trouble,” the policeman replied. “No ewe turns permitted on Main Street!”
A Man Lost His Wife
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
12 Funny Halloween Ghost Jokes
Q) Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween?
A) It didn’t have a haunting license.
Q) What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
A) The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
Q) Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
A) Because they were trans-parents!
Q) Which ghost is the best dancer?
A) The Boogie Man!
Q) Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
A) It raises their spirits.
Q) What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A)Bamboo.
Q) Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
A) It dampens their spirits!
Q) What part of a house do ghosts and spirits avoid?
A) The living room.
Q) Why are ghosts such terrible liars?
A) Because you can see right through them.
Q) How did the little ghost learn to play the piano?
A) By using sheet music
Q) Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A) For the Boos.
Q) Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A) Mali-boo.
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B-C
30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.
Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.
Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room
Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under
Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.
Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs
Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume
Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin
Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!
Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.
Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.
Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage
Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer
Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula
Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary
Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop
Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead
Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!
Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.
Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones
Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus
Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him
Deaf Lady In Trouble
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates
Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.” “Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio.Tell What Happened
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.
Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
Gold Watch
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!
A man was speeding down the hi...
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"