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Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 March 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 March 2024

On Each Bicep

My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep...
She is infringing on my right to bear arms!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2020
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (13)

Animal football

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #22 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Heart Attack

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 December 2014
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 8.87/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (116)

A lady walks into the drug sto...

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 March 2018
  • Currently 9.12/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (57)

Smart Blonde

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (52)

Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 March 2011
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (42)

Everyday someone tells me to exercise

So, I got a dog and named it 'Twenty Miles'. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 January 2017
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 May 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Hanging out with sky...

“Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 October 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

He who laughs last thinks slow...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 October 2010
  • Currently 7.25/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (36)

Do you know how many middle-aged men ..

Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? ... Not enough.

Jenny Eclair (March 16 1960-)

Picture: Chris Watt

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 March 2015
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 January 2012
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (60)

I Got Arrested

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 June 2023
  • Currently 9.64/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (14)

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 November 2014
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

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