Encourage Someone Today
A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister.
The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole -- that's a substitute."
After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane!"
The Good, the bad and the ugly1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Calculate the number 1866
British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020
The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.
1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas
2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled
4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity
5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen
6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you
7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn
8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have
9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread
10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone
11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail
12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace
13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve
14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat
15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs
16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out
17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute
18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook
19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford
20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery
22 Latest Christmas cracker jokes
What do you call an old snowman?
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells
Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!
Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!
Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!
Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!
Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!
Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!
Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!
Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!
Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!
Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!
Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless