Christmas jokes - jokes about christmas day (1 to 10)

Christmas jokes - jokes about christmas day (1 to 10) Jokes about christmas day. These are the jokes listed 1 to 10.
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (2651)

 Wrong Place Wrong Time


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

 Robert Schmidt 03


I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Twas the week after Christmas....

TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

I TURNED ON THE POWER
BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
I GRAB THE COMPUTER
AND START BANGING AND JERKING.

I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
ON JANUARY 1ST
THE DAMN THING WENT 'KERPLUNK'!

WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.

I TURNED ON THE TV
THE CABLE IS DOWN
MY MICROWAVE OVEN
IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.

MY NEW VCR
IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.

IT'S TWENTY BELOW
THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING

THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
AT A WORSE TIME
I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
ON MY BEHIND.

I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY.

'WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
WE WERE Y2K READY
WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO'!

I DROP THE RECEIVER
TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.

I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.

I JUMP IN THE CAR
TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
IT ONLY GOES 'CLICK'
I SCREAM,'SON OF A BITCH!'

A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
NOT SET UP
FOR THE '2000' DATE.

I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.

SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

 California Crazy Law


  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
  • Bathhouses are against the law.
  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

    Arcadia


  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhambra


  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park


  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere


  • City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

    Blythe


  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame


  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel


  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico


  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey


  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood


  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette


  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi


  • It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

    Lompoc


  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach


  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

    Los Angeles


  • Toads may not be licked.
  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.
  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
  • Zoot suits are prohibited.
  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

    Ontario


  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove


  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs


  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena


  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale


  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands


  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside


  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

    San Diego


  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

    San Francisco


  • Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
  • It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

    San Jose


  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica


  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula


  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

    #joke #christmas
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Calculate axb

    Look at the series (314, 412, a, 832, 848, b, 8480), determine the pattern, and calculate axb.
    CHECK ANSWER
    Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

    Thinking ahead ......

    Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
    Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
    The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
    At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
    When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
    When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
    I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
    The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
    The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
    And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
    As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
    And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
    I said to myself, as I only can
    'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
    So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
    Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
    Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
    'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
    I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
    I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
    I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
    I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
    I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
    But isn't that what January is for?
    Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
    Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
    #joke #christmas #newyear
    Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
    • Currently 2.33/10

    Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

    The products which we offer are handcrafted items made of natural materials such as finest quality wool from the Sharr Mountains, silk, cotton and lace. It is all blended with natural soap....and...creativity. Here are some beautiful and unique fashion accessories.

    Christmas sign of the times....

    As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

    #joke #short #christmas
    Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
    • Currently 8.25/10

    Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

    The Good, the Bad and the U

    The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
    Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
    Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly: You're in them.
    Good: Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly: He looks better than you.
    Good: Your son's finally maturing.
    Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
    Ugly: So are you.
    Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
    Bad: She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly: With corrections.
    Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
    Bad: She wants a divorce.
    Ugly: She's a lawyer.
    Good: The postman's early.
    Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
    Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
    Good: Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad: As a hooker.
    Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
    Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
    Good: Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad: It's another man.
    Ugly: He's you're best friend.
    Good: Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad: It's triplets.
    Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
    #joke #lawyer #christmas
    Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
    • Currently 7.44/10

    Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

    Christmas shopping...

    It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood. He asks the accused man, "Well, Mr. Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year ?"

    "Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honor," replies Mr. Jones humbly.

    "That's no crime," comments the judge. "What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?"

    "Just before the store opened."

    #joke #christmas
    Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    With Christmas over, Rudolph t

    With Christmas over, Rudolph the Reindeer spends his time producing electricity. Sounds strange, but he nose watt he's doing.
    #joke #short #christmas
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    “Only real Christmas

    “Only real Christmas lovers caribout reindeers.”

    #joke #short #christmas
    Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

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