Trying To Be Impressive
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
You Are In California
You Know You're In California When...
- The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
- You were born somewhere else.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
- Your car has bulletproof windows.
- Left is right and right is wrong.
- Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
- Your mouse has only one ball.
- You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
- You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
- You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
- You drive to your neighborhood block party.
- Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
- Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
- You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
- You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
- More than clothes come out of the closets.
- When 'the Dead' are best live.
- You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
- More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
- Smoking in your office is not optional.
- When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
- Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
- Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
- You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
- You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
- A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
- When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
- All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
- You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
A guy walks into a post office...A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?'' asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
The madam opened the brothel dThe madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Find number abc
If 7a4c0 + 21cba = 10004a find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
Two small boys met during thei...Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.
A defendant in a
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."