A police officer stops a blondA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
So this posh restaurant is looSo this posh restaurant is looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, has a recommendation: "You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit dishevelled, hair unkempt, and reeking of booze. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what do you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"'Bugger a Sheep While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh...kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more uptempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called 'Incontinent Crack Whore On a Tuesday Morning'."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments, when in walks the most beautiful woman, tall and blonde in heels and a little black dress, and sits down at the table right in front of the piano.
Stu is just starting another of his most inspired easy listening compositions, but he struggles to keep playing as he just cannot stop staring at this most attractive lady.
Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off the song midway through and and rushes to the bathroom to masturbate furiously. Just as hurriedly he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished the woman asks Stu, "Excuse me, do you know your cock's hanging out and there's cum all over your shoes?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I f**king WROTE it!"
Jim was annoyed when his blondJim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.
"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
A blonde was sick and tired ofA blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing?" they ask her.
So she replies, "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and asked, "If you are hanging yourself, you put the rope around your neck."
The blond says, "Duh...I tried that, I couldn't breath."
Find number abc
If a1c1b - a0910 = b0b find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
It was George the Mailman's lIt was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Two bowling teams, one all bloTwo bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
"Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"
"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"
There's a brunette, red-head,There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde all on death row. The day before their execution they are each delivered a message from the judge stating: "Since you have been on good behavior I will allow you to choose how you will die -- lethal injection or electric chair."
The brunette went first. She chose the electric chair, and it malfunctioned so she was set free.
The red head saw this and picked the electric chair too. It malfunctioned again and she was let free.
Then it was the blonde's turn and when asked what she chose she said, "Lethal injection because the electric chair is broken!"
A blind man enters a Ladies BaA blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde and milk bathsA blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left anote for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Hethought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door toclarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill mybathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young andbeautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
The Sheriff in a small town waThe Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboycoming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking aroundlike this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down theroad and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home withher. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull offmy shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off mypants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off myshorts ...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go totown cowboy... '.
"And here I am."