One Cup Every Morning
I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right...
The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!
All Cleared Up
My 5 year old: "Do trees poop?"
Me: "Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils."
In Strict Confidence
"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"
"No, I didn't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."
Calculate the number 5547
The Bearded Man
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that."
They Were Everywhere
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
Your Resume Says
Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
A Deer On the Way
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
Son: "Gee pop, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up on the horse's neck!"
Dad: "That's easy... I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse."