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Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)

Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)

Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 1 to 40.

Good and Bad News

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #48 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Affording A New Mansion

How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?
By the skin of their teeth.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Ocean Leaks

Why doesn't the ocean leak?
Because it has Seals.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Hospital Sign

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Dentist's Office

Why wouldn't the dentist display his awards?
He wanted to prevent plaque buildup.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

7 Short Jokes for Your Weekend Chuckle Fest

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"

What has 2 buts and kills people?
An assassin

Why did the vegan cross the road?
Ti tell someone they're a vegan!

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

I made a pencil with an eraser on each end.
It was pointless.

I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day!

What do you call it when you get a rash from nickel?
Metallurgy

Image credit Pointless pencils

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

It's Not for the Animals

When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.
She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Just Say We're Busy

The psychiatrist pulls the new nurse to the side.
"Is something wrong, Doctor?" she asks.
The psychiatrist takes a moment before answering, "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

#joke #short #doctor
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  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

The Dead Baker

Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker?
He was a John Dough!

#joke #short
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  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side

If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!

I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.

The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.

Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.

What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.

What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.

When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.

Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!

Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.

What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.

I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.

I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.

What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.

My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.

Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.

When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.

If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.

It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.

You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.

What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.

#joke #short #doctor
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  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Love Me After Marriage

A married couple were quarreling.
Wife: You said you would love me more after marriage?
Husband: I did, but I didn't think you would say yes.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Actuary vs. Mafia

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.
A mafia actuary can name them.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable

Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.

What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.

If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.

Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.

What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog

What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions

How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.

What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.

What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.

What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.

Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.

October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.

Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.

Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.

Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!

Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop

How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!

Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!

Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.

What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.

I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!

Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!

#joke #short #lawyer #yomama #halloween
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Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Ineffective Pain Pills

"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're still here."

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (10)

Great Presidents

George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Confucius Says...

Confucius says...
"Man who stands in front of car gets tired, man who stands behind car gets exhausted."

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

Raised As An Only Child

I was raised as an only child.
That got on my brother’s nerves.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (10)

7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach

What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.

What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!

Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.

I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.

Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.

#joke #doctor #short
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  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Keen Advice

Always follow your dreams!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

A Bee from America

What do you call a bee that comes from America?
A USB!

#joke #short
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Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

7 short jokes for a good Tuesday

I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.

I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."

My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.

Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."

A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"

A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"

"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

His True Love

"Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…"
"Sir, I’m sorry, this is a brewery!"
"Oh, I know…"

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

One Minute Birthday

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (10)

Labor Distraction

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

Valentine's Day Date

This may be surprising for many of my friends, but I happen to have a date for Valentine's Day...
It's February 14.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

Two Short Jokes

Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke...

#joke #short
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Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

What Do You Get

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
...

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Hospitalized Painter

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
His doctor says it was due to too many strokes.

#joke #short #doctor
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  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

They Walked On In

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar...
No joke.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Don't Challenge Death To A Pillow Fight

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight...
Don't do it unless you are ready for the reaper cushions!

#joke #short
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  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

What's Wrong, Doc?

"What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.”
“I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.”
“Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”

#joke #short #doctor
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  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Why Cats Are Smarter

"You know how you can tell that cats are smarter?"
"How?"
"Ever see eight cats pulling a sled through snow?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

They Need Ideas

Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"
Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Anniversary Gift

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

He: "That's when I come back to get you."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Phone Issues

I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Both Sides Of The Law

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

#joke #short #lawyer
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  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

This Is It?

A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of people waiting to get refreshments.
He asks the bartender, "Is this really the punch line?"

#joke #short #walksintoabar
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  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Things To Consider

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...
On the other hand, you don’t.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

If You See A Spaceman

What should you do if you see a spaceman?
You should park, man.

#joke #short
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  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Jokes Archive

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