In love
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Safety First
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped...
She keeps it in the trunk.
The Birthday Gift
A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.
When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”
My Child
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B+C
Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carme
Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
Sleep More Soundly
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Buying An Elephant
Tim: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant.
Tom: What do you want with an elephant?
Tim: Nothing, I just want the money.
Thief In the Night
Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!
Seriously, how low can you go?
Off To Work
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8.30!"
He replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"
One salesgirl in a candy store
One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle.The store owner asked for her secret.
"It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."