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Short jokes - funny one liners (41 to 80)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 41 to 80. |
Keen Advice
Always follow your dreams!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
7 short jokes for a good Tuesday
I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.
I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."
My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.
Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."
A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"
"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!
His True Love
"Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…"
"Sir, I’m sorry, this is a brewery!"
"Oh, I know…"
One Minute Birthday
Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
Labor Distraction
When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
Valentine's Day Date
This may be surprising for many of my friends, but I happen to have a date for Valentine's Day...
It's February 14.
Two Short Jokes
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke...
Don't Challenge Death To A Pillow Fight
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight...
Don't do it unless you are ready for the reaper cushions!
Why Cats Are Smarter
"You know how you can tell that cats are smarter?"
"How?"
"Ever see eight cats pulling a sled through snow?"
They Need Ideas
Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"
Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”
Anniversary Gift
She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"
He: "A trip to Thailand."
She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.
He: "That's when I come back to get you."
Phone Issues
I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?
This Is It?
A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of people waiting to get refreshments.
He asks the bartender, "Is this really the punch line?"
Things To Consider
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...
On the other hand, you don’t.
Give A Bald Man A Comb
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I’ll never part with it!"
Tough Problem
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
Take A Message
When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat, they take a message.
The Can Crusher
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Why You Never See It
"Do you know why you've never see an elephant hiding up in a tree?"
"No, why?"
"Because they’re really good at it."
15 Funny Space Jokes
Why didn't the sun go to university?
Because it already has a million degrees.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Why weren't the astronauts hungry when they arrived in space?
Because they had a big launch.
My kid is really obsessed with the moon.
I'm hoping it's just a phase.
Why doesn't Saturn ever go to the jewellery store?
Because it already has enough rings!
Why did the sun go to school?
To get a little brighter!
Why couldn't the astronaut book a hotel on the moon?
Because it was full!
Birthday parties in space are the worst. Why?
Because they have no atmosphere.
Did you hear Einstein came up with a theory about space?
Well, it's about time!
What did Mars say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rocket.
What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
I Apollo-gize.
What kind of money is used for trading in outer space?
Starbucks.
Why did the star get arrested?
Because it was a shooting star!
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes
Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.
Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle
What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!
How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."
What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.
What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.
What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.
Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.
How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!
What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.
What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.
I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope
Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws
It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.
Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.
Apple Watching
For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
Identifying A Bald Eagle
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Counting sheep
The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”
The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”
“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”
She Goes Boom
My husband calls me the bomb...
Not sure if it’s because I’m super attractive or because I might go off any minute!
Problem Teacher
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."
They Laughed, I Laughed
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.