The Three Week Diet
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”
A Crush On Beyoncé
Me: "I think I have a crush on Beyoncé..."
Her: "Whatever floats your boat."
Me: "No, that’s buoyancy."
Two racetracks
“I owned two racetracks but I rented them to others. I was the lessor of two ovals.”
What a winning combination?
Count Your Blessings
Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
Piano tuner
A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools."I'm the piano tuner ma'am" he announced.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but the neighbors did!"
17 Thanksgiving jokes and quotes
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? - Peach gobbler!
Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who? Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats!
What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
Jimmy Fallon
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
"What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?"
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
Their age!
What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Well-spoken truck driver
“Just met a well-spoken truck driver. He articulated brilliantly!”
A Penney For Your Thoughts
"I heard JC Penney was opening even earlier for Black Friday this year!"
"Really, when?"
"Halloween."
Can opener
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can’t opener.
Posted by Melusedek on Reddit on Nov 14. 2013