Gym Record for Consecutive Days
I didn't make it to the gym today...
That makes 1,523 days in a row I didn't go!
Pro tip: if you add coconut oil to your kale...
It makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like everyone else!
The CEO OF IKEA
The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
Find number abc
A police officer stops a blondA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Silence In the Courtroom
Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...
Mistaken for patience!
A Breath of Fresh Air
A truck loaded with Vick’s VapoRub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
What did the cashew say to the peanuts at church?
"Can I get an ALMOND?!"
Make Me Look Sexy
I sat in my hair stylist's chair and said, “Make me look sexy!”
She then got drunk.