John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
One day, a bear walks into a bOne day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a... beer," the bear says.
"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."
One night a man walked into aOne night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.
He stood up on the counter and announced, "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."
The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.
So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.
A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottle and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitalia out without a scratch.
As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.
A hush blew over the crowed.
All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back. "I would," said the blond lady, "if you promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle."
Find number abc
What would be different ifWhat would be different if men really ruled the world
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get ‘em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
All the farmers for a hundredAll the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.
Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.
One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!" exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."
You Might Be a Cop if...
You Might Be a Cop if...
1. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
2. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5. You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
7. You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
8. You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9. You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
10. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".
A husband and wife are sittingA husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"
A man has been in hospital forA man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."