One Monday morning a mailman i...One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Little Johnny is in a class whLittle Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She aksked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday."
Knock Knock Collection 179
Toothy the day after Monday!
Torch you'd never ask!
Toronto be a law against Knock Knock
Toucan play at this game!
Toyata be a law against such awful jokes!
Remove 7 letters from this s...
Remove 7 letters from this sequence (ENSTLEROTAEINAMJENUT) to reveal a familiar English word.
A seventy-six-year-old man marA seventy-six-year-old man married a woman less than half his age and took her off on honeymoon to the Caribbean. When he returned home, his sister asked him how it had gone.
"Oh, it was wonderful," he said, "We made love almost every night."
"That's quite a feat at your age," said the sister.
"Yes," he continued. "Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
This is an actual job applicatThis is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
One Monday evening Jessica fouOne Monday evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike's face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and skepticism.
Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes. Jessica put her her arm around her husband and asked, "A penny for your thoughts."
"It's amazing!" Mike replied, "I just can't work out how Kiddicare are able to make a cot like that for only $49.99."
One fine day, a bus driver wen...One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!", the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."