Old Aunt Cora went to her doctOld Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."
A newcomer to the neighborhood consulted one of the established residents in regard to a doctor.
"My little daughter," she explained, "has swallowed a gold piece and has got to be operated on. I wonder if Dr. Robertson is to be trusted?
"Without a doubt," her neighbor assured her, "he's absolutely honest."
Performance problemA man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
Remove 4 letters from this seq...
A man with a stuttering probleA man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
The man asks, "W-w-what's the c-c-cure, d-d-doctor?"
The doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches."
The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
The doctor responds, "N-n-no w-w-way!"
22 Fresh Halloween jokes for 2020
Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.
Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers!
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music.
Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.
Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q:
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch!
Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd.
Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas.
Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.
A programmer went to the doctoA programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis:
"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."
"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"
A noted sex therapist realizesA noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"Twice a month?"
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
Jack: "My brother was sick andJack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor."
John: "Is he feeling better now?"
Jack: "No, he has a broken arm."
John: "How did he break it?"
Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window."
John: "How did he break his arm?"
Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."