High Holidays Seating Request Form
During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
- I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
- If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
___ The cantor's significant other
___ The rabbiï¿½s significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ My neighbors
___ My relatives
___ My neighbors' relatives
___ Presidential Election, results from
___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ My children/grandchildren
- Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
__ Child psychiatrist
__ Lawyer, General Practice
__ Criminal Lawyer
__ Civil Lawyer
__ Real estate agent
__ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
__ Sexologist (??)
__ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
- I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit
__ Near the window
__ In Aruba
__ Near the bathroom
__ Near my in-laws
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible
__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
__ Near the pulpit
__ Near single men
__ Near available women
__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
__ Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH)
- (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
- Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
this change): $________________________
Diophantus was a Greek mathe...
What don't you have?
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
A young woman gazed up from heA young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, "They tell me that you are a real lady killer."
The doctor smiled and shook his head. "No, I make no distinction between the sexes."
I Get No Respect 06
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"
Is it a good baby?
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's surgery.
"Why is your stomach so big?" he asks.
"I'm having a baby," she replies.
"Is the baby in your stomach?" he asks, with his big eyes.
"Yes, it is," she says.
"Is it a good baby?" he asks, with a puzzled look.
"Oh, yes. A really good baby," the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: "Then why did you eat him?"