America Offline

A long, long, time ago

I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.

And I knew if I had the chance

They could make my modem dance

with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver

with every busy they'd deliver.

Bad news on the front page

A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried

when I realized that Steve Case had lied.

But something touched me deep inside

The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS

Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS

If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool

When he tells you that the service rules

And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short

Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock

It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play

As they slashed away at what subscribers pay

And half their users went away

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own

And dial-ins click on a rolling phone

But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court

With an OS icon and a browser port

And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down

The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.

Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond

With hosts unable to respond

6 million newbies all were conned

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards

And stole a million credit cards

To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI

and he told Boardwatch a little lie

That hackers wanted child pornography

But while Steve Case was looking down

The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.

He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs

At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes

They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter

The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe

an hour if they resubscribe.

To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks

Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit

The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg

Then visit aolsucks.org

Before some router pulls the cord..."

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be

sold off his home in Tennessee

And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed

when Case offered him his thirty cents.

Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page

My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell

could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night

CompuServe read their last rites.

I saw Earthlink laughing with delight

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9

And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.

But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge

To see what loyalty I could scrounge

But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream

At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.

The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most

Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost

They couldn't dial up the host

The day the service died.