NOTICE OF RECIPROCAL COLONIZATION – Yet another response
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to the Commonwealth of Nations, including, but not limited to, Canada (which is already a state, excluding Québec), Australia, New Zealand, Bermuda, Jamaica, etc., and any other nation lacking the inspiration to create for themselves a national flag not resembling the Union Jack:
In light of the fact that although America stands firmly on her own two feet, this nation has been formed with ideas derived from some of the children of the best free thinkers in 17th century Great Britain, and has been rooted in such. Therefore, the citizens of the United States of America hereby impose the following decree as our birth rite:
1. Like our 'mother' has previously done, the citizens of the United States of America now impose unilateral colonization upon the above fore-mentioned 'nations,' which are for this day forward to be deemed and to which referred, 'Colonies of the United States of America.'
2. As 'mum' taught us best, none of the Colonies shall have any representation in our globally expansive government, however, fear not as they will be taxed thrice as heavily as any of the members of the Original Fifty States, and this shall be deemed a privilege.
3. All currency in ridiculous color-coded Monopoly board game pastels shall be destroyed and replaced with the correct currency colors of green, black, and white. Failure to forfeit such will be treated as both servile insurrection and submission of testimony on one’s behalf to illiteracy and need for color to sort one’s purse.
4. The President of the both the United States of America and her Colonies shall be determined by the residents of the state of Florida consisting of mostly senior citizens, expatriated Canadians, Cuban refugees, and in the future – the now disbanded British Royalty. This will be deemed a fair representation for all.
5. English will be removed as the official language of the former UK and the former Commonwealth of Nations as well as the like for English and French in Canada. The Colonies will conform to the United States’ policy of no official language as the English language is to be enriched with the words of the world, not purified of them.
6. Police will no longer be called Bobbies in the UK. The appellation of 'toque' for a cap or hat will be forbidden in Canada. Words spelled like 'centre' will not be removed, but restricted. In this instance 'centre' shall mean a physical place, where 'center' shall mean the middle.
7. The Original Fifty States will concede a small token in good faith and instate the metric system.
8. The Oxford English Dictionary shall be renamed the Harvard-M.I.T. Dictionary of the Global English Language.
9. Excluding the incontrovertibly inevitable linguistic derelicts of any society, all members of the Colonies shall be required to keep a vocabulary on par in volume with that of the current average American of the day, and not simply Standard Received English as is spoken by many Geordies, Scots, Welsh, Nova Scotians, and Southern States Americans.
10. Obsolescent pronunciations such as 'roit' for right, 'ad-ver-tiss-mint' for advertisement, which by the way will pick-up a ‘z’ to replace the ‘s’ in the former American spelling, shall be banned.
11. Any citizen of America or her Colonies caught speaking the letter ‘z’ as ‘zed’ shall be latched into the town center’s stocks, head and hands, for the townspeople to mock.
12. The citizens of America’s Colonies, with the exception of Canada, shall be required to actually read the spelling of ‘aluminum’ as used in the Original Fifty States, to conceptualize how it is not said with ‘-inium’ as the ending pronunciation. These individuals will be screened as per items number three (3) of this list.
13. The existence of ‘types’ of English shall be abolished. All English, e.g. U.S. English, U.K. English, Canadian English, etc., shall be called English, with the exception of Scots English, which will now be called Greek.
14. The second level of all buses, a.k.a. lorries, coaches, etc., will be removed.
15. Education will commence to eradicate the jousting gene from the citizens in Colonies where the medieval idea of driving on the left still exists, including the U.S. Virgin Islands.
16. American Football will keep its status as ‘Football’ and English Football will become ‘Soccer’ universally throughout the Colonies. This means France will have to change to 'Le Soccer' or 'Le Soc.'
17. There will be no more warm beer, and the citizens of the Colonies will no longer be subjected to watered-down macro beers such as Budweiser and Miller. Real American beer will be had by all.
18. Everyone in the former British Isles shall be required to see an orthodontist on a regular basis.
19. Time shall be referred to as the following: WDC + 05:00 in London.
20. The new states of England, Scotland, Wales, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland & Labrador, Price Edward Island, New Brunswick, Nunavut, Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand, Antigua, Barbados, Bahamas, Belize, Salomon Islands, St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Africa, Trinidad & Tobago, and Western Samoa shall each receive a star on the flag to represent their statehood. In addition, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory will be renamed the state of Arctic and the state of Yukon, respectively - each receiving a star to represent their statehood as well. Finally, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam shall all be granted statehood and issued a star on the flag. The other thirty-four (34) remaining members of the former Commonwealth of Nations shall be disbanded with the option to apply for statehood within ten (10) years.
21. Hong Kong will be returned to Colony status - we do not bow to China.
22. As of November 21, 2000, 57% of Americans from the Original Fifty States were proficient in more than one (1) language, representing 157,691,225 people speaking two (2) or more languages and over 90,000,000 who speak a language other than English at home. All Colonies will be required to maintain that 50% of their territorial population can speak more than one (1) language, with the exception of Quebec, where, due to the prevalence of French, 80% of the inhabitants shall be required to be bilingual or better.
23. The Colonies will now be permitted to purchase the good American cars and will no longer be restricted to the bottom of the line models, as is prominent in Europe.
24. Outside the Original Fifty States and the former Canada, the numbering system shall be reorganized as such: 000 = thousand; 000,000 = million; 000,000,000 = billion; 000,000,000,000 = trillion; 000,000,000,000,000 = quadrillion, and so forth.
25. Measuring your weight in stones will only be permitted when inebriated.
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