Jokes of the day for Thursday, 03 July 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 03 July 2008 |
The Rabbi in The confession...
The Rabbi in The confession boothA priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, Bless me Father for I have sinned.
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
A father is sitting in his cha...
A father is sitting in his chair watching t.v. when all of a sudden his 9 year old son comes running through the house.The boy runs into the kithchen grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth runs back through the livingroom grabs the cat, bites the cat and runs out the door.
The father sits there dumbfounded and wonders what his son is doing. Well a few minutes later the boy runs back in the house and does the same exact thing.
He runs into the kithchen,grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth then runs into the livingroom grabs the cat, bites him and runs out the door.
Now the father is REALLY curious about what his son is doing so the next time he comes in he was just going to have to ask.
Well sure enough a few minutes later here comes his son running into the house to the kitchen grabs a handful of the m&m's runs into the livingroom grabs the cat and bites him and when he went to run out the door his father stops him and says, "son what in the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nothing." says his son.
"Then why are you running into the kitchen grabbing a handful of m&m's popping them in your mouth then running in here grabbing the cat and biting him then taking off out the door?"
The boy replies," I'm practicing on being a biker like you daddy... popping pills, eating pussy and runnin'!!"
The test...
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
"How's the mouth? asked the de...
"How's the mouth? asked the dentist, when Mr McDonald came for his check up.One day The Lord spoke t...
One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
I want to die peacefully in my...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.Corn Field
A blond is driving in her convertable down the high way when she notieces another blond in a boat out in the middle of a corn field. The blond in the boat was roawing the boat. The blond was very frustrated at how stupid the blond in the car was being so she pulled over and got out of the car. She yelled across the hightway, " HEY YOU IN THE BOAT! I'M TALKING TO YOU!" The blond in the boat turned and waved and continued roawing the boat. The blond across the street yelled out again ,"IT'S BLONDS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US A BAD NAME AND I'D COME GET YOU IF I COULD SWIM!!"Speechee
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was anOriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far
Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make
conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our
Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful
50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of
"encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries
of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down,
and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like
speechee?"
Pork at a July 4th Picnic
A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic. They were old friends and loved to tease one another. "This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and try some.”"I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.” Lost boots
There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.
He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."
The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"
"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.
The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.
Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"
"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."
Shy pebble, and few more new funny jokes
What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don't know.
So it was YOU!
What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?
Recycling.
My friend couldn't pay his water bill,
so I sent him a "get well soon" card
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket
... but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta
I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.
I think my wife had sixty one partners before me
…she calls me her sixty second lover
Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…
it is flat.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
An 87 year-old man went to the...
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
Sleep at age 21 and 40
Four hours of sleep at age 21: I'm ready to party again. Four hours of sleep at age 40: Say one thing to me and i'll smack you in the face. An opening joke...
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"