Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 October 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 11 October 2008
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American-Yiddish Dictionary


JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.

DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
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Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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For Those Who Enjoy Language For Those Who Enjoy Language

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris…are in-seine.

2. A backward poet writes…inverse.

3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

7. A man needs a mistress…just to break the monogamy.

8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

15. The definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

25. Local Area Network in Australia: … the LAN down under.

26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

27. Every calendar's days are numbered.

28. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

32. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

34. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
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The stories from ER:
The stories from ER:

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
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Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
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A Royal Pain in the ...

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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A boy of 12 was a dedicated st...

A boy of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the lad next door also bought an album. "He buys every stamp I do," the boy complained to his father, "and he's taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my boy," said his wise dad. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."
Neil Lewis, Pilton

Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.

Christine Oliver, Leith

A lonely frog, desparate for some company telephones a psychic hotline to find out what his future has in store. His personal psychic adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says: "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No," replies the psychic, "in a biology class."

Judith Smith, West Lothian

Share your jokes at letters_ en@edinburghnews.com





The full article contains 193 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

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Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
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THE Definition of a BBQ<...

THE Definition of a BBQ

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the shops.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
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Find number abc

If cbca5 - ab1a4 = b0801 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Waiter: Would you like your co...

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black, sir? Customer: I don't know, what other colors do you have?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
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Doing This Great Deed


A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.





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Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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N*dist Campers

Who is the most popular man in a n*dist colony?

The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

---

who is the most popular girl in a n*dist colony?

The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

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Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
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A young...

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 August 2008
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Murphy's Law of Toast Murphy's Law of Toast

The probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

#joke #short

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 June 2008
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