JOKES OF THE DAY

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

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who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?

The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

THE Definition of a BBQ

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the shops.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"

The probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris…are in-seine.

2. A backward poet writes…inverse.

3. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

7. A man needs a mistress…just to break the monogamy.

8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

13. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

14. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

15. The definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

20. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

25. Local Area Network in Australia: … the LAN down under.

26. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

27. Every calendar’s days are numbered.

28. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

32. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

34. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

36. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.