Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 9.48/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (100)

A poet and a scientist were tr...

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

How much wood would a woodchuc...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.46/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (37)

Funny video of the day - Funny cute cat

Funny cute cat - Constantly closing the lid - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (12)

Really funny jokes-I am rich

O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Arse
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (6)

Memory lane

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: “FENDER SKIRTS”.

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like “curb feelers” and “steering knobs.”

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember “Continental kits?” They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes?” At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore – “store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day – “rat fink.” Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss – “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffee maker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”

Food for thought – Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a “certain age” would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to others of “a certain age.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Proper Support is Key

Proper Support is Key | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (12)

I ingested a pop can and every...

I ingested a pop can and everything is clear. I feel aluminated.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

 Investigators at a major rese...

 Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
 The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
 However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
 According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion
 leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Find number abc

If 72315 + 131c1 = c5b9a find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

The Hikers

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (8)

Mystery...???

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too farfrom the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (10)

Bad At An Office Party


The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party

  1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
  2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
  3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
  4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
  5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
  6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.


#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (16)

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (29)

Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine

What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.46/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (24)

A Horoscope For The Workplace

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,” you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can ” concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/”TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager.”

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (20)

The three wise men are out for...

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 February 2010
  • Currently 3.19/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (27)

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 January 2010
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (52)

Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 August 2010
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (29)

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 August 2009
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (25)

Darn flies...

Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe? asked Charlie.

"Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting ono a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone."

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 August 2008
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (12)

Pimp

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A pimp.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 August 2010
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (12)

At last; a cause that I can really support!

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, *'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'* Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, *'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 August 2008
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (11)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.