Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 November 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 17 November 2011
  • Currently 9.72/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (96)

Funny jokes-Tap dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously t...

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked.

When a nice old lady answered, he said sadly, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”

The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how good are you at catching mice?”

#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails Of The Week 3 November 2011

Best Fails Of The Week 3 November 2011 - Many funny fails - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.89/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (9)

Chuck Norris recently added "m...

Chuck Norris recently added "moose" to his list of "animals that tried to fight me and lost."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (15)

Dear Pun Gents...

Dear Pun Gents, I'm looking for a bowling team name for a party where my girlfriend is turning 50. ~Mel, Del Rio, TX
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - COPY-CAT

COPY-CAT | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 3.10/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (10)

For a couple years I 've been ...

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (9)

A blonde goes over to her frie...

A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh no!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant: 'Tits Go In Front.'"
#joke #short #blonde #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Find number abc

If b3b2a - c2a33 = 60ba6 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Fairy tales...

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (6)

This Dog Loves People


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.
While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.
Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

Tires And Sex

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

--One is a Goodyear and one is a great year

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Craig Ferguson: Married Again

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. F**king hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, Married again, eh? Shes a user and hes a pervert. And Im like, How do they know us?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.14/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (7)

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

#joke #doctor #christmas #december #monday
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (37)

It seems a farm boy accide...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 December 2009
  • Currently 6.34/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (56)

Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2009
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Three old men were sitting aro...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 November 2009
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (53)

A lawyer was cross-examining t...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 November 2009
  • Currently 7.68/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (28)

Vince Morris: Pulled Over as a Passenger

Being pulled over is no joke. Its scary, but you know whats even worse? Being a passenger in your friends car when they get pulled over. Thats when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed. Damn! Damn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under your seat. Im wearing a wig, and weve got a dead body in the trunk.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 November 2010
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (16)

The President and Mrs. Clinton...

The President and Mrs. Clinton went to opening day of Baseball season. Suddenly, just at the start of the game, Bill threw Hillary onto the field.

"No, no!" exclaimed the chief of staff, "You were supposed to throw out the first PITCH!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 November 2010
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (9)

Holes

Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and Fallon goes to hell.

One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hell. Fallon has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.

Norris gets pissed off so he goes to God and says, "What is this shit? I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there."

God says, "Look closer, the beer has a hole in the bottom and the blonde doesn't."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

#joke #blonde #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 November 2010
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

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