Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 November 2011
  • Currently 9.67/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (137)

Animal jokes-Trained the human

One lab mouse to another: I've trained that crazy human at last.
How have you done that?
I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

Nurse: Good morning Mr. S...

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Chuck Norris can make snow ang...

Chuck Norris can make snow angels on a concrete slab.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.42/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (26)

Which birds are most religious...

Which birds are most religious? Geeses of Nazereth.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - GOOD GOD!

GOOD GOD! | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (9)

Ladies and Gentlemen, hobos an...

Ladies and Gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross eyed mosquitoes and bow legged ants, I stand before you yet sit right beside you to tell you a story I know nothing about. Admission is free; so pay at the door pull up a seat sit on the floor. One sunny day in the middle of the night to dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other drew there swords and shot each other a deaf policeman heard the noise, he went and killed those two dead boys. A blind man saw it all looking threw a knot in a brick wall, while talking to his wife on a disconnected telephone. If you don't believe this lie is true ask the other blind man he saw it too. He lives in a two-story house on a vacant lot.
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

A Fruitful Confession

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?"
Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Find a missing number

Find a missing number
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A guy wakes up one morning wit...

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover

Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."

"You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him!" said the man.

"You did. He fired you." said the wife.

"Well, screw him!" said the guy.

"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."
#joke #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A Man And His Wife


Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (9)

Dream job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.45/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (22)

Andre Kelley: Adult Table

This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults table. Thats cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.
#joke #short #thanksgiving
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (9)

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

#joke #doctor #christmas #december #monday
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (37)

A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 January 2010
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (52)

We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 5.59/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (71)

Disappearing diner

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 November 2010
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

This young man was elated when...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (14)

Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.
When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 7.45/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (11)

Bee Between Legs

A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 November 2010
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (9)

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