Jokes of the day for Thursday, 30 May 2013

Short funny jokes-Take home pay

What did the mayo say when som...

What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?

"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

“I fired the floor re...

“I fired the floor refinishers. They simply could not hold their lacquer.”

Computer error

A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband said "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

The engineer...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Who Keeps Saying Those Things?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.

Leading hand sanitizers claim ...

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

A boy had reached four without...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

Chuck Norris feels that brass ...

Chuck Norris feels that brass knuckles should be allowed in the fight to cure diabetes.

my dad

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Church Every Sunday?

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

An American and a Japanese wer...

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When
the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
.... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of
'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am
I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"

53 classic hilarious short jokes

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.

I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.