Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 September 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 22 September 2013 |
A note from mom...
John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."
A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".
A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".
Really funny jokes-Best excuse
One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.
"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"
Docs go to Heaven
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up.St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician.
St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good, okay you can go in to Heaven."
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved.
St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good, you can go in too."
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs.
St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Musicians and Lightbulbs
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
“The circus performer...
“The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles and now he is flying high on pain meds.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
Number Jokes
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"
"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."
Only Chuck Norris can prevent ...
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.Humor About The Irishmen
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Watching the game
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
Bowlegged
Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
Jeff Dunham: Tattoos as Cover-up
Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful womans face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wifes face.