Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 November 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 03 November 2013 |
Man of The House
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Really funny jokes-Wanna see my underwear?
At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"
Q: What do you call a midget f...
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?A: A small medium at large.
Talking clock
While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S 2 AM!"
Ant Jokes 02
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
Your great-ant!
Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein!
What games to ants play with elephants?
Squash!
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique!
What kind of ant can you colour with?
A crayant!
Who is the most famous French ant?
Napoleant!
Why did the ant-elope?
Nobody gnu!
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!
Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant!
“The feather dancer w...
“The feather dancer was rushed to the hospital. Her boa constricted her.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
An Unusual Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star...
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies...as the Force.A man placed some flowers o...
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Chuck Norris is the only man t...
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.On the first day God created t...
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (*sigh*).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again (...???...)
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Dennis Gaxiola: Trophy Wife
I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if youre married thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon. A school teacher injured his b...
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.Top 10 things NOT to say to...
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date1. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
2. "Show me how you used to spank her."
3. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
4. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
5. "I just got my license today."
6. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
8. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
9. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob'."
10. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"