Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 06 September 2017

Honor Among Thieves

A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” she insisted.
.............. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

 

 

“The baker had only h

“The baker had only half the flour he needed so he decided to make short bread.”

I tried to stop being bad at e

I tried to stop being bad at everything. But I was unsuck-sessful.

Don't Let Me Be Late!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"

A vacationer called a seaside

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

* Police Begin Campaign to Run

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

 Business One-liners 10

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.

Loni Love: All the Holidays

I used to work in an office, and when I worked in an office, I celebrated all the holidays -- Cesar Chavez Day, Labor Day -- just to get a day off of work. It could be KKK Day -- Do I get a day off of work?

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat dea...

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

A 70-year-old man has never be...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

News Headlines 03

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

Kevin Hart: Cancer Did It

My uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He's like, 'Kevin, I just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.'...I said, 'Cancer did it. It was cancer.' He said, 'Well, you tell Cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face -- twice.'

Enter a Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***