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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 January 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 January 2019
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1341)

My boyfriend and I had hardly...

"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah," says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

 Ponderings Collection 11


Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Address Change

It was the usual day at our bank.
A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”
Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

“My wife told me to w

“My wife told me to wear a skirt for the day, and I really kilt it.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Cheerios

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.

The surprised mother reacts quickly. "WHACK!"

The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 January 2016
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at a...

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht thefrist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raedervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 August 2015
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Find number abc

If babcb - 5990b = a7c0 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A magician was working on a cr...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2010
  • Currently 6.74/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (66)

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2010
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (38)

A mother and her young inquisi...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 January 2011
  • Currently 7.38/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (37)

Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 January 2012
  • Currently 4.18/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (33)

window seat

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?

Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 January 2012
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (26)

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