Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 January 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 January 2019 |
My boyfriend and I had hardly...
"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill."How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah," says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
Ponderings Collection 11
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Address Change
It was the usual day at our bank.
A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”
Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”
“My wife told me to w
“My wife told me to wear a skirt for the day, and I really kilt it.”
Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing.
When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.
The surprised mother reacts quickly. "WHACK!"
The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at a...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht thefrist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raedervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
A magician was working on a cr...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
A Prayer Upon Waking
Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.
A mother and her young inquisi...
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What does a seal get from sitting on the ice too long at the zoo?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the baby seal say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!
There were these twin sisters...
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over thereand take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
A husband and wife were at a p...
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
Oooolllllld Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"