Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 September 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 12 September 2019 |
I will grant you three wishes . . . maybe!?
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,” . The words were barely out of his mouth when poof,
he aged 20 years!
Found on https://throughopenlens.com , posted on June 22, 2015 by Lukas Kondraciuk
Do Not Bend
A man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Eggs in marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.
"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
Traffic circle
Ditzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30 mph' so I drove 30 times around."The other friend responds sympathetically, "You probably counted wrong."
I Am Going To Shop
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Expensive Barbie!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Try To Explain Women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Doc Steadman
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio.""Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms. Signs Of Christmas
Toy ... Signs Of Christmas
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
Two married buddies are out dr...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."
Bless This Car
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.
I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.