Jokes of the day for Monday, 16 September 2019

“Snake! Run!”

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”
His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

“Moby Dick didn't ha

“Moby Dick didn't have a funeral but he did have a huge wake.”

 Go Home And Wait

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 10, 1993
FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed.
Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.

An elderly man walks into a co

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"

I've noticed the strangest th...

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars alot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have nowife to go home to... or they do.

Cats on a fence

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?".

They once tried to carve Chuck...

They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief?

Blonde - Tracks

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train!

Myq Kaplan: New Game Show

I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and its called Can You Remember What You Just Saw? Thats actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe Whats in Front of You Right Now? OK, you got it? Were going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept awesome.

Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

The Iowa Wage and Hour Departm...

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."

A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Today Is My Birthday

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,

"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."