Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 February 2020

After Dinner Speech

As the after dinner speaker gushed on and on, Deacon Miller nodded, and nodded until his head rested on the table cloth. The chairman reached over and bumped him lightly on the head with his gavel.
Deacon Miller: "Hit me harder, I can still hear him..."

“A bargain is a taver

“A bargain is a tavern's profit.”

On their honeymoon, the new hu

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession tomake that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it mightaffect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be outon the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will alwayswin."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for yourhonesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I'veconcealed something about my own past that you should know about. Thetruth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, andoverlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

 Real Advertisements 06

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Thinking ahead ......

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

A man walks into a store and i

A man walks into a store and is looking at the handbags. He picks one up and asks the assistant how much it would cost.
The assistant replies "£200 for that one".
Shocked the customer says "£200! Why does it cost so much? It's only small and doesn't look anything special."
The assistant says, "It's the material it's made of."
Confused the customer asks, "What is it made of then?"
The assistant grins and says, "Foreskin. It's unique -- you give it a bit of a rub and a lick and it grows into a suitcase!"

Anyone who plants a tree is in...

Anyone who plants a tree is in for a root awakening.

The passenger tapped the cab d...

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to askhim something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stoppedcentimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then thedriver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. Youscared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that alittle tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's notreally your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

The photographer for a nationa...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 
"Why?" asked the pilot. 
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. 
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 

Upon hearing that her elderly ...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

Three envelopes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"

Really funny jokes-Show business

Blonde and eggs

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized

Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun

So when I get a phone call at the airport, Ill admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldnt be standing right here. Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team! Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, lets move. Stand down, down blue team! Dont -- hold on, the subjects approaching. Hes in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, Thank you for making our airways safe. And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

Faking Your Age

A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.'
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
'Well,' he replied, 'I said I was 87!'