Jokes of the day for Thursday, 24 June 2021

Miming

By definition, miming is not aloud.

Good Old Grandpa

Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens...
Great man, horrible cabinet maker.

Strange...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

"Cash, check or charge?" I ask

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, afterfolding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled forher wallet I noticed a remote control for a televisionset in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused tocome shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evilthing I could do to him."

Every time an Indian walks int...

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

vampire lesbians

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.

Chuck Norris can win at solita...

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

When an escaped pris...

“When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.”

International Firefighters' Day jokes

International Firefighters' Day (IFFD) is observed on May 4. Check out some firefighters jokes.

What happened to the firefighter who wasn't doing well in his job?
He got fired!

Daddy, which letter firefighters hates the most?
R, son.

What do cops and firefighters have in common?
They both wanted to be firefighters.

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building. The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.
The lady says, "The former seems interesting, but I think I'll choose the ladder."

Working from home sucks...
....if you’re a firefighter.

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down It was the sole survivor.

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

Wife's love

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

In 3030 years

In exactly 3030 years, there’s a chance things could be really good, and there’s a chance things could be really bad.

I guess it will be 5050.

Teddy bear and cake

Q: What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?

A: No thanks, I'm stuffed.