Jokes of the day for Saturday, 02 October 2021

I went

I went to university, but all my professors were crazy. I mean, absolutely nuts! They should have called it Macadamia.

The Cat Phenomenon

When single ladies near the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats...
This phenomenon is known as many-paws.

Always on Call

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’

‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’

A young man goes to a doctor f

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

Bad news or terrible news

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

This morning I went to sign my

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!

A 90-year-old man said to his...

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Working late

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Jeff beckoned to a salesman in...

Jeff beckoned to a salesman in the department store, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin that Eunice was admiring, and asked, "Excuse me young lady, how much is this dress?"
"That dress is £899.95, Sir," sneered the rather snotty saleswoman.
"£899.95? For £99.95 I could get the same dress at the Bargain store downtown!"
"But sir," said the saleswoman, "You'll find that the dress downtown is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."
Jeff says, "So? For £800 I should care what the lambs do at night?"

Writing letters to son

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Fighting for Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read…
Main entrance.

Best Answer

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . .

"In the mirror as always . . ."

Would you like me to be your friend?

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.

A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."

"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Why did the turkey cross the r...

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't a chicken.