Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 October 2021

Three old ladies are sitting o

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke.
The second old lady has a stroke.
But the third old lady can't reach that far.

A New GPS

The other day I bought a new GPS for old angry people...
It tells other people where to go!

Your husband gets it double!

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. O ne day she found a beautiful lamp lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...

"I want to be rich!!!"

So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!

The woman then thought of a second wish...

"I want to be beautiful!!"

So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.

"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"

The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision....

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

Which deadly reptile attacks v

Which deadly reptile attacks via telemarketing scams? The crock-dial!

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

Donnell Rawlings: Friends With Cool Jobs

Comedys a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes!

President Roosevelt once rode ...

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.

Paul F. Tompkins: Name in Print

I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; its pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed.

A little boy opened the big an...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Life is too short to be serious

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you.

A new hair salon opened up for...

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

This Town Ain't Big Enough

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided...
If cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone!

Shane Mauss: Freak Accident

I went to a Six Flags. Theres this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.