Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 November 2021

At lunchtime do miners go to t

At lunchtime do miners go to the food quartz?

Wet Smokers

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

Tom and Jim go into business t

Tom and Jim go into business together. Tom has the money and Jim has the brains. The night before a huge meeting Jim has a heart attack and dies. Without Jim, the business is sunk. In a state of panic, Tom goes to a fortune teller for help.
Tom enters the dimly lit room and sits down across the table from the fortune teller. There is a sign on the wall with 3 prices... 25, 50 and 75 pounds.
He asks, "What do I get for £25?"
"You can speak to the dead," replies the fortune teller.
"That's no good. What about £50?"
"For £50 you speak to your friend and he will reply."
"That's it! That's exactly what I need!" exclaimed Tom. "Just curious, what does 75 quid get you?"
"For £75, you speak to your friend and he will reply."
"That's the same thing," said Tom.
"Yes," the fortune teller answered, "But this time, he will answer while I drink a glass of water."

Alarm Clock Hate

There are only two instances when people hate the alarm clock:
1) When it rings.
2) When it doesn’t ring.

A Good Beer...

Q: What do you call a beer that makes you laugh?

A: A Brew Ha Ha

An Irishman is walking along t...

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

Jo Koy: My Inspiration

A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. Its also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

White hairs

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

Hari Kondabolu: Vegan Thanksgiving

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And its not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- thats just spitting on the graves, isnt it?

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened."I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.""Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.""Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow."Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

Relative WiFi JOKE

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people...
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi!

A lady walks into the drug sto...

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A man lost both ears in an acc...

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: " Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

Yo mama's house is so small ...

Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.

Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.