Jokes of the day for Monday, 13 December 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 13 December 2021 |
NED: Have you heard it through
NED: Have you heard it through the grape vine?ED: No, I don't keep up with currant events.
NED: C'mon, you should be raisin your awareness!
ED: Hey – quit winin‘!
NED: I'm just trying to give you a lil' viticulture…
ED: Aw, put a cork in it.
Two kindergarten kids are talk
Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.Girl: What is the capital of America?
Boy: Washington D. C.
Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...
What did the doctor say?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Two blondes, Carol and Patt...
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
Scientifically speaking, it is...
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.Police Quotes
“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”
“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
A father is explaining ethics
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business..."Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?
Discussing The Tax Rates
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
A woman can always tell if
A woman can always tell if a man loves her by how much time he’s willing to invest. Money spent is meaningless, but time spent is priceless. A Lesson – How to Find the Best Airline Price
I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
“And what about Salt Lake City?”
“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said, “but there is a stopover.”
“Where?”
“In Denver,” she said.
Cannibals
One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals.
The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won't kill you".
So the 3 people followed the orders which were to go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of your choice.
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person held his composure however then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". However as much as he tried to restrain himself the person burst into tears laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?"
The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."
Drinking buddies
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No . . . "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked
April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.
You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page
Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?
How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!
Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.
Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.
Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.
Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!
Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.
Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.
Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.
What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.
What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!
What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."
What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.
Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.