Jokes of the day for Sunday, 16 January 2022

A Shirt for Her Husband

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit PERFECTLY around his neck."

Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A man goes to the doctor after

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.
"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
The husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

And God created woman...

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said "What can I get for just a rib?"

....The rest is history

Don't ask me about bridg

Don't ask me about bridges! It's like the spannish inquisition.

Husband for sale

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Tony Rock: Alcohol Is a Drug

I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, Alcohols a drug. Not me, I call it a vitamin. Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.

Masturbation Contest

Who's the world's greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

My mind is gone

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Bush meets Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

Finding someone you love

Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we’re gone.

There was the elderly man of 8...

There was the elderly man of 80 years who told his doctor that he was about to marry a 20-year-old. The doctor said, "That's great", but thinking of the young bride, said, "Why don't you also take in a young boarder after you get married."
The man said, "That's a great idea, Doc. We'll do just that."
A few months later, the Doctor saw the 80-year-old man, and asked him how he was, and how was his marriage to the young wife?
The man replied, "Fine Doc. And she's fine, too. As a matter of fact, she's pregnant!"
The Doctor smiled, and asked, "And how is the young boarder?"
The man replied, "Oh, she's pregnant, too."

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."  

Brenda O'Malley is home makin...

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

In retrospect