Jokes of the day for Friday, 28 January 2022

If you're bald, you shou

If you're bald, you shouldn't borrow somebody else's wig. That would be tresspassing.

Two Roaches Discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Monstrous Appetite

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?
No one can eat just one potato ship.

Put your money where your mouth is....

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A kindergarten student was hav...

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...."

Plaster of Parish

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Paper-Eating Dog

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

My prayers are answered...

A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, "When we came he had a hat!"

The Unacceptable Tax Return

This example shows the importance of accuracy when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, 'List your dependents”, you wrote: '12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.' The IRS responded that “this is unacceptable!”

The man's response to the IRS was: 'Who did I leave out?'

A young man wanted to purchase...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love,
Honey Bear
P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

A 90-year-old man said to his...

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Doctors talk politics

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Jill: I just don't understand...

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

Stand outside

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

Photo by Jay Sadoff on Unsplash