Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 February 2022

A disturbing trend is a freak

A disturbing trend is a freak au courants.

Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."    

Two secretaries were talking a

Two secretaries were talking about their work.
"I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"

The Ear of My Boss

At work I've got the ear of my boss...
I'm still not convinced we should pay the ransom.

Two newlyweds...

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go."

"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine (sea sickness medicine)."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

In a crowded city at a crowded...

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a re

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

Knock Knock Collection 143

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!

husband, while on a business t...

husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."

Professional Worrier

David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges $3,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

Not expecting to do well on th...

Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."

Foreman

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”
“What's that got to do with it?” he asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

37 Christmas jokes

Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.

What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play?
A don-key.

Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner?
The turkey, it’s always stuffed!

Why was the advent calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!

What’s the best present to receive?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

How can you tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nick-less.

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.

What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santa-tizer.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy?
He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet.

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account?
Lots of elf-ies.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole?
Elf-is Presley.

What did the elf on the shelf dress up as for Halloween?
Prankenstein.

Why didn’t Rudolph make honor roll in school this term?
Because he went down in history.

Which reindeer does Santa always have to discipline?
Rude-olph.

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
This one will sleigh you!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.

How did the snowman get to work?
By icicle!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.

What do grapes sing at Christmas?
‘Tis the season to be jelly.

Why shouldn’t you prank the eggnog?
It can’t take a yolk.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.

Why don’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots!

What do you call an art museum made out of ice?
The Ig-Louvre.

What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather?
Its shadow.

A Golfer's Deal With the Devil

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"