Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 February 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 February 2022 |
During my time as an execution
During my time as an executioner, I made sure to be head of the game, by acquiring a unique skull set, from the time I was a guillotiney bopper. I got gallowing reviews which was always excellent noose. Even though I hung my clients out to dry (though sometimes I got them stoned) I never faced the firing line. Of course, the work is no longer shocking; these days the business won't survive without capital injections, which makes me sigh at night. My goal nonetheless is to fill every day with poisonable experiences.Damn Parking Enforcement
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
"Frank Smith," announced the j
"Frank Smith," announced the judge, "for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I sentence you to two year in prison.""But your honor," pleaded Smith, "last time I was in court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house in the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?"
Favorite Childhood Memory
My favorite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather...
Until my mother took the urn from me.
A new sofa...
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? Sex and athletics....
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Pete Holmes: Employee Discount
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it? Two blondes, Carol and Patt...
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
I asked Kermit the F...
“I asked Kermit the Frog what I should use to join the pieces of metal, but all he said was, 'Rivet, rivet.'”
Camouflage Practice
Camouflage Practice 
What stays in one corner bu...
Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world? A: A stamp.