Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 April 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 April 2022 |
There were four guys who were
There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all…it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him, then called in the next person.
The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the young man from Stanford was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it came out!"
It's Expensive
Think the price of gas is expensive?
Have you seen the price of chimneys?
They are going through the roof!
Little Johnny In Class
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.''Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?''It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'Need to be dismissed
A man who was chosen for jury duty really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied: "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
An Atheist's Holiday
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge.
After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"
The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Bingo sign
How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?Put up a Bingo sign.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Jo Koy: When Monkeys Get Mad
When monkeys get mad, they crap in their hand and they throw it. How cool is that? Whos going to fight a guy with a lump of crap in his hand?1. "Weather at our destination...
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some brokenclouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
Happy Friday with new jokes
My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was being transparent.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
If A is for apple and B is for Banana, what’s C for?
Plastic explosives
My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
She left me penne-less.
Being the boss
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
Anniversary Gift
She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"
He: "A trip to Thailand."
She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.
He: "That's when I come back to get you."
The Death of Black Magic
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
