Jokes of the day for Friday, 29 April 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 29 April 2022 |
A traffic police constable sto
A traffic police constable stopped a motor bike: "Idiots, stop. You four are riding on a single bike. Don't you know it is a serious offence?"Youngsters: "Four? Good grief, where is the fifth?"
What's Coming Up
An aging comedian is a guest on a late night talk show.
"What do you have coming up?" the interviewer asks him.
"Mostly phlegm."
A kiss a yard...
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Where's the money?
A notorious mafia boss is looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He then gets greedy and decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that his collection is late and sends some of his hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoods drag the guy to an interpreter.
One of the hoods says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
When Sartre was forced to expl...
When Sartre was forced to explain e-commerce to a cow, he remarked “Hell is udder Paypal.”Answering Machine Message 225
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
Every time a bell rings Chuck ...
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.Salvation by Annoyance
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Shy guy in bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"
Chicken Gun
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..
Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen." Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Where do bad rainbows go? Which is faster, hot or cold? Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens… It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
Hot, because you can catch a cold
For hispanic attacks.
They are calling it Apollo G!
It was raining cats and dogs!
Flying Her Broom
A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"
April Fool's Day - Suggestions
This one is cuter, I think I would chuckle until I found the carts were all locked together and I didn’t have a quarter…. Two men, one American and an I...
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"