Jokes of the day for Monday, 16 May 2022

Imams don't like it when

Imams don't like it when people lose a lot of weight. I knew one who even issued fatwas.

A wealthy and very well dresse

A wealthy and very well dressed financial consultant arrived at his office to fill out his report for the company he was working for.
The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator.
He picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.
"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.
Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well.
The now barefoot consultant then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can.
A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.
A moment later, the consultant dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively.
Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage as well.
The consultant finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work.
A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped consultant and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. "Why did you do this?" he asked in bewilderment.
The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed consultant angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork.
"Why didn't you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!"

Winning the Lottery

Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the lottery."
Farmer: "Thank you."
Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?"
Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone."

Ticket Trouble

A minister was pulled over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.”The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”

Last request...

Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"

"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Kill me first."

The good news

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knocks him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.

The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."

The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."

The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"

The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

Chuck Norris hears sign langua...

Chuck Norris hears sign language.

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'

Daniel Tosh: God Does Not Hate Gay People

God does not hate gay people. Hes just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

An Alabama preacher said to hi...

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Party Hardy

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"

Fact or fiction?

Fact  or fiction (you make the  call):   

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.     
2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.     
3.  Married  life is very frustrating.  In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbours listen..     
4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.     
5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.     
6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.     
7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.       
8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.     
9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!       
10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.       
11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.
13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.
14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Life keep teaching me lessons

Why does life keep teaching me lessons i have no desire to learn.