Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 September 2022

Someone stole my Swedish car:

Someone stole my Swedish car: it's a real Saab story. I don't mean to get emotional; I guess I'm too inVolvo'ed. Heck I've even considered going scuba diving, to see if it's buried underwater – but I'm afraid of getting the Benz. I know, it's my own fault; I really should be driving a Mazda Me-oughta, especially after the hos had blown on my loaner, a Poontiac. GM cars really make me Buick. (As for British imports – get Bentley!)

Letters from Little Boys to God

Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear God, I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?NeilDear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.Mickey D.Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.BruceDear God,If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.RaphaelDear God,Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.GregDear God,Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.PeterDear God,You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.DeanDear God,Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?DougDear God,I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.Sam Dear God,I am American. What are you?RobertDear God,If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.JonathanDear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.LarryDear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.CharlesDear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!Eugene-

Another Recital

“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”

One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we have to sit through another organ recital.”

Like father like son

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"      

Human cloning is outlawed beca...

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

A married couple was watching...

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

An old man who loves to fish...

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

This one never gets old - The New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

13 Yoga jokes to celebrate International Yoga Day

United Nations proclaimed 21 June as the International Day of Yoga! Have fun with Yoga Jokes!

1. Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?
They always want to find their inner peas.

2. How did my instructor know I was serious about yoga?
I told her I would be as flexible as possible.

3. I didn't believe yoga would fix my posture…
But I stand corrected.

4. What did the instructor say when her yoga student couldn't touch her toes?
She said, "Yoga-to try harder tomorrow".

5. Why did the bagel struggle in yoga class?
It couldn't find its center.

6. I've been practicing yoga for decades.
Yep, it's been a pretty long stretch.

7. What do you call a bagel that has mastered yoga?
A pretzel.

8. What is the most romantic yoga pose?
Pro-pose.

9. Why does everyone love yoga teachers?
They bend over backward for you.

10. What do you say at the end of a squirrel yoga class?
Nutmaste.

11. What do a cow walking backward and a yogi have in common?
They both say oooooom.

12. How does the yogi order a pizza?
Make me one with everything!

13. I'm worried I'm not that good at yoga.
Some days, I feel like just a poser.

The Pickle

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?"
The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."   

Fish Jokes 05

What kind of money do fishermen make?

Net profits!

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?

Birdsthigh fish fingers!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?

Jellyfish!

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?

'Your plaice or mine'!

Where does seaweed look for a job?

In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!

Why is a fish easy to weigh?

Because it has its own scales!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?

Because they have electric 'eels!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

To whom do fish go to borrow money?

The loan shark!

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.