Jokes of the day for Sunday, 30 October 2022

Don't ask us to make pun

Don't ask us to make puns about voyeurism. It's not our perv view.

Goodbye Disney

As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"

The bad news...

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."    

Q. Why is it so hard for women...

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuc...

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Playing Golf with God

Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Wiccan Priestess...

A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"

Jon left for a two day busines...

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Fresh short jokes and puns

I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

RIP boiled water
you will be mist

What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"

Can February March?
No, but April May.

I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

Your dog bite?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

One Minute Birthday

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.

16 Jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day!

April 26th is Hug an Australian Day! Find jokes about Australia and Australians:

1.Q: Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
A: Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

2.A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”

3.Q: If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
A: Australian!

4.Q: How many Aussies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

5.Q: What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?
A: The referee.

6.Q: What do you call a farting Aussie?
A: Ned Smelly

7.Q: What's the difference between Cinderella and Melbourne FC?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

8.An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”
The kiwi answered, “Australia”.

9.Q: What do you call an Aussie with 100 girlfriends?
A: A farmer

10.Q: Why is Australia such a dry country?
A: We don't have a king or queen to reign on it.

11.Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”
The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

12.Q: Why did Tasmanians evolve to grow two heads?
A: So they can have an intelligent conversation when they visit the mainland!

13.Q: Where can someone visit for 2 hours in Melbourne.
A: St Kilda via Punt Road.

14.Q: Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
A: Too bad, they're still working on it!

15.Q: How do you know when you're a hipster bogan?
A: When your coffee machine costs more than your washing machine.

16.Here's something you didn't know...Your taxi driver was a surgeon before arriving in Australia.

#HuganAustralianDay

A lawyer defending a man accus...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.