Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 November 2022

If you get nostalgic about chi

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips you are just living in the past tents.

God's Other Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard." "Howard?" replied the confused teacher. "You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

Little Johnny Goes Fishing

Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."

Any little ones yet?

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody \\candle out!"

Shirt Pocket

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."    

A local business was looking f...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

The Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Denis Leary: Laptops May Lead to Impotence

Laptops may lead to impotence. Yay. Im buying my daughters boyfriend an Apple MacBook first thing tomorrow morning.

April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked

April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!

April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.

Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.

You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page

Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?

How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!

Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.

Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.

Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.

Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!

Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.

Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.

Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.

What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.

What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.

Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!

What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."

What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.

What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.

Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.

Sometimes

Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone happy is the most lonely person.

Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor." 

Blood-related jokes, donate blood with a smile

14 June is World Blood Donor Day. Donate blood! Raise awareness using blood-related jokes.

Why don't vampires ever get sick?
Because they always keep their blood type B-positive!

What did the hematologist do to break the ice at the party?
She started a "type O" personality conversation!

Why did the red blood cell break up with the white blood cell?
Because she found out he was too infectious!

Why do vampires believe in life after death?
Because they know it's all in vein!

Why did the vampire go to art school?
Because he wanted to draw blood!

What’s a blood cell’s favorite kind of music?
Anything but heavy metal… it’s too much iron!

Why did the blood cell get a ticket?
It didn’t stop at the red light!

What's a vampire's least favorite city?
Venice... too much garlic and holy water!

How do you know if a vampire has a cold?
He starts coffin!

Why did the white blood cell go to the party?
Because it was immune to peer pressure!

Staring at the orange juice

In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it.
The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, "Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I'm afraid your going to have to leave."
"No," the blonde replies.
"Why not?" questions the waiter.
"The carton says 'concentrate'".